I'm A Grown Ass Man!
"I'm Rick James, bitch!"
-Dave Chappelle
Ok, quick, when is tax day? It's today. Good job! April 15th. Ok, quick, when was tax day last year? The year before? Every freaking year?!?!? April15th, right! So why is half the country scrambling to file? Is it really that hard to fill out a 1040 EZ? There are websites, software, tax preparers, CPAs......an unlimited supply of resources so that you, Joe Taxpayer, can get your taxes filed on time. You'd think it took a Physics degree from MIT and an extra finger on your right hand to get your taxes completed. It's for the year 2003, which means, you could start getting your information in order as early as Jan 1. And those W-3s come in in like what, February? So why, with 3 months to fill out what, 3 pages, are all these morons calling H&R Crock trying to get someone to help them? It must go back to my theory about the world being geared towards the lowest common denominator. When you think about it, all this tax stuff is geared towards morons, yet, they still dont get it. Lesson: This country is, on average, even stupider than we thought. If that isnt the scariest realization ever, I dont know what is....
I've decided to stop being polite. I think it does a disservice to people. You ever notice, when someone makes a joke, you laugh politely, thinking, damn, that wasn't funny at all. Or they tell a suspect joke, kinda racist or sexist, or whatever, and you laugh nervously like, heh heh, yeah, ok, heheh. No more! Lately, people make a crack, and I just go, uh-huh. Or say nothing. Why encourage them? And then you get the follow up, "You know what Im saying? Get it?" Ohhh, I get it. It just isn't as funny as you thought it would be. We don't mind heckling a comedian who we pay to see. Im gonna start heckling just the average person. If you give the courtesy laugh, you are in danger of getting a follow up comment. And that's not gonna be funny either. Don't be an enabler. If its not funny, dont laugh! Except for the blog....
Ok, my recent mass mail to friends about the blog raised a serious faux pas that occurs on the regular. There are two buttons on the email - reply, and reply to all. Let's all just hit reply huh? I got a reply to all just a second ago, and it was funny. But all I could think was, eah great, here come 50 emails from my other friends complaining. I feel bad, cause I know some people dont want a bunch of emails, especially from strangers. I have created spam! What is the desire to reply to all anyways? I have many a time gotten an email and been like, who the hell is this person. Then I realize.....reply to all.
Just heard an email on the radio from a person in Grand Island, Nebraska. Who named this place? Where is there an island in Nebraska? Ive driven through that godforesaken place.....didnt see a drop of water. It must be near Mountain Lake, NE or South Beach, NE. I stopped in a place called North Platte while driving through.....never saw South Platte. Also, it was in the middle of the state. How is that north?
Another voice mail issue was raised. These menus. What is the deal with these damn menus. First, I listen to the 7 minute message, then I get the automated voice mail lady, telling me: to leave a message, press 1; to leave a number, press 2; to leave reality, press 3; to lose your mind, stay on the line. I dont need that many choices. I called for one reason....to talk to someone or leave a message. I dont need 17 options. To hear this message in spanish, press NUEVE. I want a menu with options I can use. "To hear me talk dirty, press 3" "To hear the national league scores, press 5" "To hear sounds of the ocean, press 2" "To hear the Billboard Top 5, press 7" Now that is a menu Ill wait for.....
Another issue brought to my attention, Invitations. People invite you out, telling you they want to hang out.....and you show up, and its like 50 people. Half of them you dont know, the other half are morons from work that you despise. People you can't stand during the hours you are PAID to be around them, now, you are going to spend time with them for free! Thanks, Jim, for telling me that Larry from accounts payable would be here. He never finished that story about his toenail fungus he started in the lunch room! Not to mention that these are people who look uncomfortable in a work environment....you then get them in a social setting, and they can't handle themselves. "Hey, Im ripped! Great to see you man!" Whoa there scooter, don't spill the rest of your first Zima. Hate to see you waste 4 bucks. Inevitably, you start drinking like a fish, to make the night bearable, and all the losers there eventually feel your wrath. Next thing you know, you are choking out the copy guy for losing the Penske file, the cops come, you end up in jail, miss work, get fired. You know, that old chestnut.....
Alot of times, we say someone looks like someone famous. Is there a limit to describing someone? What if they look like a famous ugly guy? I know this guy, dead ringer for Robert Englund. Problem, Robert Englund is the guy who plays Freddy Krueger. So what did I do? I told him! Felt like a serious jackass as the words came out of my mouth. Problem is, I started with, oh, you like like that one guy. Of course, then they HAVE to know, like Im gonna say Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. Come on man! You have a mirror, you know who you look like! Im not making it up! So is that wrong? Should we only compare people to famous people if they look like attractive famous people? I say, if a guy looks like Willard Scott or a chick looks like Rosanne, Im tellin em! They should already know! I have only been told I look like one guy, and that was Ray Liotta. First of all, not sure that I do. But that guy has a serious skin problem, pock marks on his face, looks like someone lit his face on fire then put it out with a screwdriver. I know that I dont have a problem like that, but part of me is like, oh damn, really? Then again, dude makes bank, so I should be so lucky.
Everyone needs to listen to a radio station from another part of the country. We get so locked in to our own world, you would be amazed at what other people find important. In the Bay Area, we get stock reports, real estate info, the ski conditions, stuff like that. Im listening to a broadcast right now from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Just got the fishing report followed by the high school sports update. Yeah, I agree, what a bunch of freaking hicks. But at the same time, there is something to be said about that small town attitude, that downhome, midwest simple life. Sure, it's not for me. But don't we all need a little of that in our world? That sittin' on the porch, watching grandpa whittle some new teeth, drinking sun soaked lemonade kind of simple life? Eh, maybe not. Give me a starbucks, a wireless connection and tickets to a hockey game over that crap any day.....
-Dave Chappelle
Ok, quick, when is tax day? It's today. Good job! April 15th. Ok, quick, when was tax day last year? The year before? Every freaking year?!?!? April15th, right! So why is half the country scrambling to file? Is it really that hard to fill out a 1040 EZ? There are websites, software, tax preparers, CPAs......an unlimited supply of resources so that you, Joe Taxpayer, can get your taxes filed on time. You'd think it took a Physics degree from MIT and an extra finger on your right hand to get your taxes completed. It's for the year 2003, which means, you could start getting your information in order as early as Jan 1. And those W-3s come in in like what, February? So why, with 3 months to fill out what, 3 pages, are all these morons calling H&R Crock trying to get someone to help them? It must go back to my theory about the world being geared towards the lowest common denominator. When you think about it, all this tax stuff is geared towards morons, yet, they still dont get it. Lesson: This country is, on average, even stupider than we thought. If that isnt the scariest realization ever, I dont know what is....
I've decided to stop being polite. I think it does a disservice to people. You ever notice, when someone makes a joke, you laugh politely, thinking, damn, that wasn't funny at all. Or they tell a suspect joke, kinda racist or sexist, or whatever, and you laugh nervously like, heh heh, yeah, ok, heheh. No more! Lately, people make a crack, and I just go, uh-huh. Or say nothing. Why encourage them? And then you get the follow up, "You know what Im saying? Get it?" Ohhh, I get it. It just isn't as funny as you thought it would be. We don't mind heckling a comedian who we pay to see. Im gonna start heckling just the average person. If you give the courtesy laugh, you are in danger of getting a follow up comment. And that's not gonna be funny either. Don't be an enabler. If its not funny, dont laugh! Except for the blog....
Ok, my recent mass mail to friends about the blog raised a serious faux pas that occurs on the regular. There are two buttons on the email - reply, and reply to all. Let's all just hit reply huh? I got a reply to all just a second ago, and it was funny. But all I could think was, eah great, here come 50 emails from my other friends complaining. I feel bad, cause I know some people dont want a bunch of emails, especially from strangers. I have created spam! What is the desire to reply to all anyways? I have many a time gotten an email and been like, who the hell is this person. Then I realize.....reply to all.
Just heard an email on the radio from a person in Grand Island, Nebraska. Who named this place? Where is there an island in Nebraska? Ive driven through that godforesaken place.....didnt see a drop of water. It must be near Mountain Lake, NE or South Beach, NE. I stopped in a place called North Platte while driving through.....never saw South Platte. Also, it was in the middle of the state. How is that north?
Another voice mail issue was raised. These menus. What is the deal with these damn menus. First, I listen to the 7 minute message, then I get the automated voice mail lady, telling me: to leave a message, press 1; to leave a number, press 2; to leave reality, press 3; to lose your mind, stay on the line. I dont need that many choices. I called for one reason....to talk to someone or leave a message. I dont need 17 options. To hear this message in spanish, press NUEVE. I want a menu with options I can use. "To hear me talk dirty, press 3" "To hear the national league scores, press 5" "To hear sounds of the ocean, press 2" "To hear the Billboard Top 5, press 7" Now that is a menu Ill wait for.....
Another issue brought to my attention, Invitations. People invite you out, telling you they want to hang out.....and you show up, and its like 50 people. Half of them you dont know, the other half are morons from work that you despise. People you can't stand during the hours you are PAID to be around them, now, you are going to spend time with them for free! Thanks, Jim, for telling me that Larry from accounts payable would be here. He never finished that story about his toenail fungus he started in the lunch room! Not to mention that these are people who look uncomfortable in a work environment....you then get them in a social setting, and they can't handle themselves. "Hey, Im ripped! Great to see you man!" Whoa there scooter, don't spill the rest of your first Zima. Hate to see you waste 4 bucks. Inevitably, you start drinking like a fish, to make the night bearable, and all the losers there eventually feel your wrath. Next thing you know, you are choking out the copy guy for losing the Penske file, the cops come, you end up in jail, miss work, get fired. You know, that old chestnut.....
Alot of times, we say someone looks like someone famous. Is there a limit to describing someone? What if they look like a famous ugly guy? I know this guy, dead ringer for Robert Englund. Problem, Robert Englund is the guy who plays Freddy Krueger. So what did I do? I told him! Felt like a serious jackass as the words came out of my mouth. Problem is, I started with, oh, you like like that one guy. Of course, then they HAVE to know, like Im gonna say Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. Come on man! You have a mirror, you know who you look like! Im not making it up! So is that wrong? Should we only compare people to famous people if they look like attractive famous people? I say, if a guy looks like Willard Scott or a chick looks like Rosanne, Im tellin em! They should already know! I have only been told I look like one guy, and that was Ray Liotta. First of all, not sure that I do. But that guy has a serious skin problem, pock marks on his face, looks like someone lit his face on fire then put it out with a screwdriver. I know that I dont have a problem like that, but part of me is like, oh damn, really? Then again, dude makes bank, so I should be so lucky.
Everyone needs to listen to a radio station from another part of the country. We get so locked in to our own world, you would be amazed at what other people find important. In the Bay Area, we get stock reports, real estate info, the ski conditions, stuff like that. Im listening to a broadcast right now from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Just got the fishing report followed by the high school sports update. Yeah, I agree, what a bunch of freaking hicks. But at the same time, there is something to be said about that small town attitude, that downhome, midwest simple life. Sure, it's not for me. But don't we all need a little of that in our world? That sittin' on the porch, watching grandpa whittle some new teeth, drinking sun soaked lemonade kind of simple life? Eh, maybe not. Give me a starbucks, a wireless connection and tickets to a hockey game over that crap any day.....
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