God help me...

I lied. I said that I could deal with losing my wife, but I can't. I have tried, I promise you. I have tried to move on, I have tried to forget her, I have tried to rationalize. I've done it all. Nothing. All I think about is her. I want to work it out, and I will go to any lengths to make it work. I would shine shoes for a living if it would make us work as a couple. She wants to meet, talk about dividing our stuff and all that. At first, I was really cool about it. But, the reality of it is that I can't do it. I don't believe in divorce for convenience. She just seems to be so busy with life issues, that I have become a burden. Perhaps if I was around, she could lean on me. But without me there, I am just a liability. It's enough to make me cry, you know? It's so sad that things are where they are at. Time have been tough, and my life has been, well.....hell. But forget all that, I honestly want to go to square one. I have decided that I can't be a part of any split-up. If that's what she really wants, she will have to do it herself. I know that I want her to be happy, but in a perfect world, I would be the one to do that. She has become so cold and cynical....I wish I knew why. I have some ideas, but nothing worth exploring. It's just one of those things. I have searched everywhere, for someone to agree with her side. I want to feel like this is a legitimate situation. However, even when I reveal all my faults, all the silly things I have done.....no one sees divorce as a legitimate answer. Truth is, my friend's wives put up with the exact same stuff on a daily basis. Half the stuff I get yelled at for, I am doing with a friend who has a wife who doesn't trip over it. So am I really the problem? I am so confused....and sad. I just want my wife back. If you see her, please just talk some sense into her.....

I remember when she first told me that we needed to separate. It absolutely destroyed me. I couldn't breathe. I had to actually leave work, I was so distraught. The first thing that came into my head was, get on a plane, fly to Dallas, and wait for her at her doorstep, then tell her I love her and that this can't happen. Well, I didn't. It just cost way too much money. And one of the reasons she was tired of me was because I was bad with money. Well, I told her that a few months ago, how I was going to do that, and she said, "Why didn't you?" Wait, you mean you would have been receptive to that? No matter the money I spent? See what I mean? I can't win. Ever.

To make matters worse, I had a dream about her last night. She was dating already, and had a regular boyfriend. Oh, it gets worse....and weird. Her boyfriend? Nolan Ryan. What the!?!?! Yeah, that's what I said. But it was sooooo real. I swear, it was like it was really happening. And he was gonna ask her to marry her, and he talked to me, telling me how he could better provide and all this. I just, I didnt get any of it, and I think I ended up fighting him or something. I'd love to say that there was a happy ending, but I cant remember. I think I woke up.....

I wish I had something funny to talk about. I just don't. Gonna be a boring weekend....