"If he brings a knife, you bring a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital....you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's......the Chicago way."
-The Untouchables
What is the worst city in America? I mean, a major city. Sacramento has got to be in the top ten. If Sacramento isn't the worst major city, then whatever list it's on, it shouldn't take long to call roll. I'm guessing there are a ton of crappy towns in the south, or the midwest, but Sacramento sets itself up as a city. I mean, they have a professional franchise. I'm guessing only Green Bay is even close to as crappy as far as cities with a sports team. And man, let me talk about Wisconsin in general. What a disaster area this is. Just fat, loathesome white people as far as the eye can see. Every experience I have had with Wisconsin has been just horrible. Imagine just small town after small town, with the closest mall like 2 hours away. Every other business is a bar, and every place sells these snacks that are just pure cheese. They always say that California is gonna have an earthquake and break off into the Pacific, well, any day now, the entire state of Wisconsin is gonna have a heart attack. Kids are born with high cholesterol out there.
I could never live in these little towns. I visited a girlfriend of mine once, she lived in Phillips, WI. This little white trash, podunk town in northern Wisconsin. I remember, I made a U-turn in the middle of the ONE main street in the entire town, and the place was abuzz. I was reallllllll popular, huh? My visit went over like a fart in church....
Speaking of which, why are farts so darn funny. Hell, the word is hilarious. I challenge anyone to hear a poot in a silent room, and not snicker. Imagine being knighted by the Queen of England and someone poots. Riot. Or getting communion from the Pope? Poot, and the old man would be on the floor. Speaking of the Pope, what is that guy's deal? Is he like 1000? He has the posture of a cocktail shrimp....
I like drinking. Not to excess, cause being sick, and ruining your day the following morning is not cool. But having a good time is high on my list. What I don't like are people who don't drink, and then preach to me about it, like, oh man, we don't even have alcohol in the house. Come on man....is it really that bad? Look, don't drink and drive, don't become addicted, but damnit, it's Friday, let's split a case!
I'm very happy about the Sylvester Croom hiring at Mississippi State. The first black head coach in SEC history, this is a major thing. Everyone in sports is talking about it, but why aren't we talking about one thing....it's 2003! Why is it still such a big deal? I mean, they are making it sound like the Grand Wizard is on the Board of Directors for Miss State. This is a small victory, but it's not a real victory until a man like this gets hired, and no one mentions his color. On a similar note, it kinda bothers me that this gets so much attention, but when Grambling and Southern both started white quarterbacks, it was not really national news. It was more like, "Aw, isn't that neat." Man, I think that's a huge step. Acceptance has to be a two way street, doesn't it? I don't know, such a huge topic. Maybe I'll spend a day on it later, but too big to tackle right now.
I sprained my thumb and have no idea how. Damn it hurts....
I love soda. It has no nutritional value, and it makes me feel like crap after I crash from the sugar/caffeine rush...but damn, it is tasty!
Speaking of tasty, is it heresy for me to say that I think I like regular donuts better than Krispy Kremes? Mind you, I havent tried the one's with the twinkie cream filling, but Ill take a chocolate old fashioned and a cruller any day of the week. I just see those Krispy Kremes, and man, soooo much sugar, Im afraid of becoming diabetic in my sleep. I might as well fill a syringe with caramel and inject it right into my pancreas.
I owe my friend Joe an apology. Not just for jumping down his throat yesterday (I was just pissed, and took it out on him...) but for telling him that Van Morrison is no good. I listened to VM today, and enjoyed the music very much. I was wrong.
Two things in life are way overpriced: hotel rooms and footwear.
There are just somethings in life that you can't improve on, and if you are born with it, it is a blessing. I think I look good in a suit, and that's not something you can change. Either you do or you don't. It must suck if you dont look good, and you know you gotta wear one. It's gotta be panic time for those people....
People bother me in general. I really, really hate small talk. I get so uncomfortable. Look, if you want to talk about real stuff, great. But I hate feeling guilty because I didnt stop to say, "How are things?" Truth is, it's goin in one ear and out the other. Well, assuming I even listen in the first place. Like, when my roommate comes home, he gets all butt-hurt if I'm sitting there and I don't say Hi. Man, the Hi is implied. Who the hell needs validation from my monkey ass. Im just a run of the mill a-hole, and I dont pretend to be anything more.
MAN, this thumb is really starting to hurt alot! Summummabich!
You know, the French and Italians eat alot of high cholesteral, fatty foods, yet they have a low occurence of heart disease. I have read, and it has been said, that their consumption of red wines helps keep them healthy and safe from heart disease. Is that the worst news ever if you are a wino? Hey, guess what.....not only are you homeless, but your life expectancy is going UP!
Remember the Police Academy where they had the Ghetto Olympics? Events like the 100 yard dash with a stolen TV, or timing how fast you could strip a car clean? How about the Bum Olympics....I think this would be ok. 100 yard shopping car push. Or my favorite, the "How many winter coats can you wear in the summer?" Ok, that's wrong, I take it all back.
Why do professional pool players wear tuxedos? Should pro bowlers wear three piece suits?
My friends all play poker once a week, but I cant make it too often cause of work. But they just get after me all the time, always saying, "Where were you?" I've played three times now, finished top 5 once, and won the other two times. You'd think they'd stop telling me to play.
Props to Ty Willingham for giving me a new favortite quote with the word "fart" in it. The previous winner was from the movie Fresh, "Want a beer?" "Is it any good?" "No, tastes like a warm tub of piss someone farted in." The new winner? "Getting that type of performance out of this team is like beating a fart out of a dead horse." Never heard that, but damn, that's funny.
Hey, memo to every dork out there....nicknames are given, not taken. You CAN NOT give yourself a nickname. Either someone else gives you one, or you don't get one. You don't start telling people, call me this or that. I think I have like....5 nicknames, all from different people. Just like I give everyone else a nickname. Give yourself a nickname and you are a dork. Wait, I have 6, not 5.
I play golf, and I laugh at these guys that spend thousands of dollars on equipment. I roll out there with a 15 year old set of clubs, a thirdhand golf bag, and a bunch of range balls. Hole in my golf glove, old ass shoes. I am a broke ass scrub. These guys pull out what looks like a Volkswagon tied to the end of a yard stick, and they hit the ball nice down the middle, 250. I roll in, with a driver that looks like Moses' walking stick, and hit it 280. Is there a bigger racket out there than golf equipment. "Hey, use this and that and it will improve your game 50%." Look, I'd rather learn and get better than just pay for a better game. What a joke. That's like a piano teacher selling player pianos..."It will make you 100% better!" Give me a break.
Ok, Im done. My nicknames? The Gers. Jersey. T Money. Skeezy (Los, where the hell did you get that one?). The Consigliari and Worm.
"Get me on the court and I'm trouble/ Last week messed around and got a triple-double"
-The Untouchables
What is the worst city in America? I mean, a major city. Sacramento has got to be in the top ten. If Sacramento isn't the worst major city, then whatever list it's on, it shouldn't take long to call roll. I'm guessing there are a ton of crappy towns in the south, or the midwest, but Sacramento sets itself up as a city. I mean, they have a professional franchise. I'm guessing only Green Bay is even close to as crappy as far as cities with a sports team. And man, let me talk about Wisconsin in general. What a disaster area this is. Just fat, loathesome white people as far as the eye can see. Every experience I have had with Wisconsin has been just horrible. Imagine just small town after small town, with the closest mall like 2 hours away. Every other business is a bar, and every place sells these snacks that are just pure cheese. They always say that California is gonna have an earthquake and break off into the Pacific, well, any day now, the entire state of Wisconsin is gonna have a heart attack. Kids are born with high cholesterol out there.
I could never live in these little towns. I visited a girlfriend of mine once, she lived in Phillips, WI. This little white trash, podunk town in northern Wisconsin. I remember, I made a U-turn in the middle of the ONE main street in the entire town, and the place was abuzz. I was reallllllll popular, huh? My visit went over like a fart in church....
Speaking of which, why are farts so darn funny. Hell, the word is hilarious. I challenge anyone to hear a poot in a silent room, and not snicker. Imagine being knighted by the Queen of England and someone poots. Riot. Or getting communion from the Pope? Poot, and the old man would be on the floor. Speaking of the Pope, what is that guy's deal? Is he like 1000? He has the posture of a cocktail shrimp....
I like drinking. Not to excess, cause being sick, and ruining your day the following morning is not cool. But having a good time is high on my list. What I don't like are people who don't drink, and then preach to me about it, like, oh man, we don't even have alcohol in the house. Come on man....is it really that bad? Look, don't drink and drive, don't become addicted, but damnit, it's Friday, let's split a case!
I'm very happy about the Sylvester Croom hiring at Mississippi State. The first black head coach in SEC history, this is a major thing. Everyone in sports is talking about it, but why aren't we talking about one thing....it's 2003! Why is it still such a big deal? I mean, they are making it sound like the Grand Wizard is on the Board of Directors for Miss State. This is a small victory, but it's not a real victory until a man like this gets hired, and no one mentions his color. On a similar note, it kinda bothers me that this gets so much attention, but when Grambling and Southern both started white quarterbacks, it was not really national news. It was more like, "Aw, isn't that neat." Man, I think that's a huge step. Acceptance has to be a two way street, doesn't it? I don't know, such a huge topic. Maybe I'll spend a day on it later, but too big to tackle right now.
I sprained my thumb and have no idea how. Damn it hurts....
I love soda. It has no nutritional value, and it makes me feel like crap after I crash from the sugar/caffeine rush...but damn, it is tasty!
Speaking of tasty, is it heresy for me to say that I think I like regular donuts better than Krispy Kremes? Mind you, I havent tried the one's with the twinkie cream filling, but Ill take a chocolate old fashioned and a cruller any day of the week. I just see those Krispy Kremes, and man, soooo much sugar, Im afraid of becoming diabetic in my sleep. I might as well fill a syringe with caramel and inject it right into my pancreas.
I owe my friend Joe an apology. Not just for jumping down his throat yesterday (I was just pissed, and took it out on him...) but for telling him that Van Morrison is no good. I listened to VM today, and enjoyed the music very much. I was wrong.
Two things in life are way overpriced: hotel rooms and footwear.
There are just somethings in life that you can't improve on, and if you are born with it, it is a blessing. I think I look good in a suit, and that's not something you can change. Either you do or you don't. It must suck if you dont look good, and you know you gotta wear one. It's gotta be panic time for those people....
People bother me in general. I really, really hate small talk. I get so uncomfortable. Look, if you want to talk about real stuff, great. But I hate feeling guilty because I didnt stop to say, "How are things?" Truth is, it's goin in one ear and out the other. Well, assuming I even listen in the first place. Like, when my roommate comes home, he gets all butt-hurt if I'm sitting there and I don't say Hi. Man, the Hi is implied. Who the hell needs validation from my monkey ass. Im just a run of the mill a-hole, and I dont pretend to be anything more.
MAN, this thumb is really starting to hurt alot! Summummabich!
You know, the French and Italians eat alot of high cholesteral, fatty foods, yet they have a low occurence of heart disease. I have read, and it has been said, that their consumption of red wines helps keep them healthy and safe from heart disease. Is that the worst news ever if you are a wino? Hey, guess what.....not only are you homeless, but your life expectancy is going UP!
Remember the Police Academy where they had the Ghetto Olympics? Events like the 100 yard dash with a stolen TV, or timing how fast you could strip a car clean? How about the Bum Olympics....I think this would be ok. 100 yard shopping car push. Or my favorite, the "How many winter coats can you wear in the summer?" Ok, that's wrong, I take it all back.
Why do professional pool players wear tuxedos? Should pro bowlers wear three piece suits?
My friends all play poker once a week, but I cant make it too often cause of work. But they just get after me all the time, always saying, "Where were you?" I've played three times now, finished top 5 once, and won the other two times. You'd think they'd stop telling me to play.
Props to Ty Willingham for giving me a new favortite quote with the word "fart" in it. The previous winner was from the movie Fresh, "Want a beer?" "Is it any good?" "No, tastes like a warm tub of piss someone farted in." The new winner? "Getting that type of performance out of this team is like beating a fart out of a dead horse." Never heard that, but damn, that's funny.
Hey, memo to every dork out there....nicknames are given, not taken. You CAN NOT give yourself a nickname. Either someone else gives you one, or you don't get one. You don't start telling people, call me this or that. I think I have like....5 nicknames, all from different people. Just like I give everyone else a nickname. Give yourself a nickname and you are a dork. Wait, I have 6, not 5.
I play golf, and I laugh at these guys that spend thousands of dollars on equipment. I roll out there with a 15 year old set of clubs, a thirdhand golf bag, and a bunch of range balls. Hole in my golf glove, old ass shoes. I am a broke ass scrub. These guys pull out what looks like a Volkswagon tied to the end of a yard stick, and they hit the ball nice down the middle, 250. I roll in, with a driver that looks like Moses' walking stick, and hit it 280. Is there a bigger racket out there than golf equipment. "Hey, use this and that and it will improve your game 50%." Look, I'd rather learn and get better than just pay for a better game. What a joke. That's like a piano teacher selling player pianos..."It will make you 100% better!" Give me a break.
Ok, Im done. My nicknames? The Gers. Jersey. T Money. Skeezy (Los, where the hell did you get that one?). The Consigliari and Worm.
"Get me on the court and I'm trouble/ Last week messed around and got a triple-double"
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