"I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes."
-Steven Wright
Ok, explain this to me. Green Day sounds like they are from England. But they are, in fact, from Berkeley, CA. Look, I'm not cartographer, but I'll play one on the the internet. Seems to me that Berkeley isn't exactly a suburb of Devonshire. How do three green haired spazzes suddenly turn into the cast of Monty Python just because you put a mic in front of their face, and an amp by their feet? Totally escapes me...
Not lying, before the playoffs, I picked Carolina v. New England. People might not think so, but this is going to be a great Super Bowl. Two very good defenses, ball control offenses, and teams that know how to win close games. I might be going out on a limb here, but I am predicting one of the greatest Super Bowl games of all time...no joke. So in other words, put all your money on a 9-3 final. Because, the lesson, as always.....Im an idiot.
I don't think I like Valentine's Day. Truth is, I dont like being told what to do, and that's basically what Valentine's Day does....it demands of us that we express love on that day. Um, wouldnt it be better if we all did that everyday? I would rather give gifts all year, and tell my wife I love her everyday, than feel bad because I didnt spen 60 beans on flowers then go out to dinner. I mean, we dont have enough to celebrate? How much money do we all spend just on holidays? If there were no such thing as holidays, I am guessing our economy would collapse like a house of cards. Our GNP would fall somewhere between Bolivia and Bill Gates' couch cushins. New Years, Valentines Day, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Anniversaries....it never freaking ends. Then, turn 25, and it's 5 weddings a year, house warmings, baby showers.....does anyone else realize that we are slaving away, 40 hours a week, just so we can afford gifts for each other? Perhaps we should all just call off the gift giving. Raise your hand if you have ever sacrificed a personal need (food, water, entertainment, whatever) so that you could afford a party/gift/wedding in your immediate future. I know I have.
What the hell happened to Alanis Morisette?
Man, between Pete Rose and Michael Jackson, I cant decide who is less believable. At least Pete has come clean, and admitted something we already knew. It's just that no one believes he is sorry about it. Meanwhile, Michael....please, please dont insult our intelligence. We aren't morons, we know what happened. We have always known. And what about these other people, the people who are supporting Mike? Those Mensa members who stand in front of the courthouse, preaching Mike's innocence. You gotta be deaf, dumb and blind to take that position. You know, these people are making themselves known, and they are even getting together in one place....isnt there some sort of mass sterilization that we can subject them to? These people should NOT be procreating....
I am the walrus.....coo coo, cachoo
Why ties? Who comes up with these things? It's just there, hanging. It doesnt serve any purpose other than to asphixiate me for 8 hours, which, between you me and the wall, I can freaking do without. I mean, why dont I start wearing a tux with a head band. Why do we need something just hanging from our neck? I'll be honest, it looks decent, but what is the point....
Ok, so it's winter, and of course, the freaking news channels think that "It's Cold Outside" is news. Since when is weather news? My boy in Chicago just reported that the newsman was eagerly covering the 8 degree weather this morning. Wow, what a shock! It's cold in Chicago in the winter! Is it me, or every year do we get to hear about a snowstorm in NY, a hurricane in the south, floods in California. Um, when do these things stop being news. Then in the summer, hey, guess what, triple digits in Phoenix! No way! I mean, it's just another sign of the dumbing down of America, isn't it? "Tomorrow's top story: Water is Wet, and how it affects you!" Thanks Brokaw for the newsflash....
How anyone can like Leno better than Letterman is beyond me. I am always a little skeptical of a comedian when I can say the punch line before he does! Jesus, dont be so predictable. Besides, is there a better game out there than "Will it Float?" I submit that there is not!
Is my math that bad? Do I look like a moron? Why is it that every donut lady wants to be your algebra teacher? They always feel the need to count down your total: Um, Ill have two devils food..."ok, you have 10 left".....oooooh! duuuuh, uh, if I get a chocolate bar, how many then? help me donut lady, 10 minus 1, where does that leave me?!?!?
Did you ever want to have sex with the first person you ever had sex with, just to show them how good you got?
"Assume the position/ stop look and listen/ I spit on your grave and I grab my Charles Dickens"
-Steven Wright
Ok, explain this to me. Green Day sounds like they are from England. But they are, in fact, from Berkeley, CA. Look, I'm not cartographer, but I'll play one on the the internet. Seems to me that Berkeley isn't exactly a suburb of Devonshire. How do three green haired spazzes suddenly turn into the cast of Monty Python just because you put a mic in front of their face, and an amp by their feet? Totally escapes me...
Not lying, before the playoffs, I picked Carolina v. New England. People might not think so, but this is going to be a great Super Bowl. Two very good defenses, ball control offenses, and teams that know how to win close games. I might be going out on a limb here, but I am predicting one of the greatest Super Bowl games of all time...no joke. So in other words, put all your money on a 9-3 final. Because, the lesson, as always.....Im an idiot.
I don't think I like Valentine's Day. Truth is, I dont like being told what to do, and that's basically what Valentine's Day does....it demands of us that we express love on that day. Um, wouldnt it be better if we all did that everyday? I would rather give gifts all year, and tell my wife I love her everyday, than feel bad because I didnt spen 60 beans on flowers then go out to dinner. I mean, we dont have enough to celebrate? How much money do we all spend just on holidays? If there were no such thing as holidays, I am guessing our economy would collapse like a house of cards. Our GNP would fall somewhere between Bolivia and Bill Gates' couch cushins. New Years, Valentines Day, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Anniversaries....it never freaking ends. Then, turn 25, and it's 5 weddings a year, house warmings, baby showers.....does anyone else realize that we are slaving away, 40 hours a week, just so we can afford gifts for each other? Perhaps we should all just call off the gift giving. Raise your hand if you have ever sacrificed a personal need (food, water, entertainment, whatever) so that you could afford a party/gift/wedding in your immediate future. I know I have.
What the hell happened to Alanis Morisette?
Man, between Pete Rose and Michael Jackson, I cant decide who is less believable. At least Pete has come clean, and admitted something we already knew. It's just that no one believes he is sorry about it. Meanwhile, Michael....please, please dont insult our intelligence. We aren't morons, we know what happened. We have always known. And what about these other people, the people who are supporting Mike? Those Mensa members who stand in front of the courthouse, preaching Mike's innocence. You gotta be deaf, dumb and blind to take that position. You know, these people are making themselves known, and they are even getting together in one place....isnt there some sort of mass sterilization that we can subject them to? These people should NOT be procreating....
I am the walrus.....coo coo, cachoo
Why ties? Who comes up with these things? It's just there, hanging. It doesnt serve any purpose other than to asphixiate me for 8 hours, which, between you me and the wall, I can freaking do without. I mean, why dont I start wearing a tux with a head band. Why do we need something just hanging from our neck? I'll be honest, it looks decent, but what is the point....
Ok, so it's winter, and of course, the freaking news channels think that "It's Cold Outside" is news. Since when is weather news? My boy in Chicago just reported that the newsman was eagerly covering the 8 degree weather this morning. Wow, what a shock! It's cold in Chicago in the winter! Is it me, or every year do we get to hear about a snowstorm in NY, a hurricane in the south, floods in California. Um, when do these things stop being news. Then in the summer, hey, guess what, triple digits in Phoenix! No way! I mean, it's just another sign of the dumbing down of America, isn't it? "Tomorrow's top story: Water is Wet, and how it affects you!" Thanks Brokaw for the newsflash....
How anyone can like Leno better than Letterman is beyond me. I am always a little skeptical of a comedian when I can say the punch line before he does! Jesus, dont be so predictable. Besides, is there a better game out there than "Will it Float?" I submit that there is not!
Is my math that bad? Do I look like a moron? Why is it that every donut lady wants to be your algebra teacher? They always feel the need to count down your total: Um, Ill have two devils food..."ok, you have 10 left".....oooooh! duuuuh, uh, if I get a chocolate bar, how many then? help me donut lady, 10 minus 1, where does that leave me?!?!?
Did you ever want to have sex with the first person you ever had sex with, just to show them how good you got?
"Assume the position/ stop look and listen/ I spit on your grave and I grab my Charles Dickens"
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