New and Improved
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the decency to thank her."
-W.C. Fields
Good morning my cherubs! Just in case you didn't notice, comments have been added. (The comments are here, the comments are here!) Feel free to tell me what a dope I am by just clicking on the link at the end of any of my rants. There is also an additional rolling list of interesting websites I have visited recently, so look for that to the right under the archives. Finally, the archives are now weekly. I have no idea why. I guess it just looks like I've done more than I have.
What is this obsession with developing a catch phrase? Everyone wants to see their words on a t-shirt or a bumper sticker I guess. Im listening to the radio, and this guy just gave a quick local news report, and closed out with, "Folks....that's a keeper!" Pardon me, ahem...ahem.....what the hell does that mean!??!?! Just say, Good Day, or Good Bye, or nothing at all. I love Sportscenter, but now everyone feels this need to come up with the next great catch phrase. Its like nicknames, either it happens or it doesnt. It can't be forced. T-Bone!
It's official. I am a moron. I know, there has been a lot of speculation, but now, the verdict is in. The jury has found me guilty on all counts. So last night, my roommates decided to celebrate St Swizzlesticks Day or whatever it was, and had a beer or twelve. So at 3 am, I had a choice: Tell them to turn the tv down and shut up, or kill myself. I contemplated door number two, but went with the mystery box and put in ear plugs. Good idea, right? First of all, it's stupid. I can't hear my roommates now, but suddenly every breath I take sounds like a 747 parked in my driveway. Meanwhile, I can hear my heart beating so loud, it's like the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard doing a solo on my ear drum. Anyways, totally oblivious to the outside world, what do you think happened? Of course, I missed my alarm. Why wouldn't I? I wake up like 45 minutes late, going, gee, why didnt my alarm go off? Take the ear plugs out, and the thing is blaring at me. Verrrrrrry intelligent.....
The worst injury is that giant scrape on the leg or the elbow or whatever from sliding on something rough. Like skinned knees on the concrete, or scrapes on thes shin from astro turf or a giant gash on the arm from asphault. Its not the injury that hurts so much, its when you get home, and get in the shower. A little soap, then the water washes it out, and man does that sting! Oh, the agony! You see someone go into the bathroom with a towel and a scrape, expect to hear them screaming for 10 seconds sometime in the near future.
Im fat. There is no cure.
Heard some interesting dialogue this morning about the no-smoking laws in New York and California. Of course, by interesting, I mean, ignorant and moronic. Everyone takes an issue like this and totally overanalyzes it. I can't believe that people who smoke are still whining about not being able to smoke in bars and restaraunts. Im no economist, but I dont see alot of bars going out of business. California has had the ban for some time now, and everyone has adapted. They go outside to smoke, they come back. It's all good. Meanwhile, the rest of us don't go home reeking to high heaven. I know that when I go to vegas, I bring a separate linen bag, and I come back from the casinos or the clubs, and take off every last stich of clothes, and throw them in a bag, and throw that bag in the closet, cause those clothes stink. Ever been in a place with so much smoke, that when you shower, you can actually see the smoke being washed off of you? That is just not cool. No night out is so important that I need to come home looking like a chimney sweep from Mary Poppins. On the other side of the issue, why does the government make cigarettes legal, then make smoking them in certain places illegal? It's like, these things are so dangerous, that you cant use them in other people's vicinity....however, feel free to bang out a pack or two a day all alone. Huh? It's sort of like, no drinking in public. Why? Hey, getting loaded is fine, just make sure you do it behind closed doors. Whatever happened to telling the other squares, hey, don't like it, turn your head. That bad boy is on a swivel!
One last smoking issue. Who was the moron that came up with smoking and non-smoking sections? It's smoke! You can't contain it. And there used to be smoking and non-smoking on airplanes! Airplanes! It's a freaking tube, you can't control the smoke! Does it really take a genius to see this? Why smoke in an airplane anyways? Just baste and sauce me, cause Im coming out soft and tender like smoked tenderloin. Hey, let's turn transportation into a slow roaster. Great idea. I blame the Euros.
Cherry pop tarts are the best flavor. I will not argue about this.
My back is better today. So is my knee. However, I gashed my leg, and my thumb is still tender. I have to take an evidence final tonight, and my handwriting is gonna look like Christopher Reeves' signature. Im wondering if I should just put a note at the top telling my professor why she is reading about privilege and expert testimony in absolute chicken scratch. I can see it now, "This is law school, not medical school!"
There is this commercial for Kay Jewlers where this little girl tells her dad that she wants to get this 700 dollar diamond ring for her mom, or something like that, then gives her dad a jar full of pennies saying "This is enough, right?" Then the idiot says, "Its more than enough!" What are you teaching your kid? That you can buy diamonds for a buck seventeen? Then the mom gets it, and the little kid says, "I got it all by myself!" The hell you did, you little broke bastage! Don't teach your kids such stupid stuff. They bring you a penny jar and ask to buy diamonds, you say, oh hell no, you better get a job or a loan if you wanna get something that expensive. This stupid kid is gonna be 30 years old, walking into a Lexus dealer laying down a 50 cent piece as a downpayment. "This is enough right?"
Poor Eli Manning! He got drafted by the San Diego Chargers, and didn't want to play here. Let me say that again: This yahoo, from Mississippi, didn't want to move to San Diego. Hmmmm, great weather, beaches, sunshine, beautiful women......can you really blame him? What a disaster it would be to live here! Oh, poor poor Eli! To think, he almost got to live in Southern California and make 7 million dollars a year. Better to demand a trade to New York where they will boo this guy if he gets a bad haircut. And remember, E-whine, in December, when you are freezing your Manning-hood off, you can't come back to SD. You are stuck. Enjoy the slush and your condo in Jersey.
Im not afraid to steal a good idea. I will now introduce a segment I am stealing from Todd Wright's All Night show on ESPN Radio. A quick look at the week's latest in a matrimonial format.....
Something Old: The Bachelor. This is a tired tired show. The idea is played out, and the premise is getting more and more ridiculous. Now, I am supposed to follow the exploits of a good looking professional football player who apparantly can't find a girlfriend without the help of a major TV show? I couldnt care less about him and his pack of gold diggers (and that is what they are). This is an idea which has run its course. Let's move on to the next abomination, please.
Something New: Two things. First, this guy is enjoying his 15 minutes of fame, as the emails make the rounds, and the topic fills air time on the radio. Check out his ad and enjoy the silliness with everyone else. The other thing, Ultimate Vodka. Next time you find yourself in a high end bar, ask for it by name. There is a blue bottle (pictured in the link) and a red bottle. Get the red bottle. It is the crispest vodka I have ever tasted, infused with black cherry flavoring. Unbelievably good. It was about 12 bucks a glass, but, eh, live a little.
Something Borrowed: I already talked about Ced the Entertainer (Im a grown ass man!) remaking Back to School, so I wont rehash that. Have you seen the new Sprite commercials? This new puppet, Myles Thirst? Kinda funny, but a direct rip off of Lil Penny from the old Nike commercials. So obvious, I dont think Sprite would even claim otherwise. Show em my motto! Obey your thirst? Should be Obey your Attorney....that looks like an IP issue to me!
Something Blue: Knicks fans. Another playoff run, another sweep. This time at the hands of the Jersey Nets, who will soon be in Brooklyn stealing the Knick dollar. Props to Isiah Thomas for another job well done! The man who (a) screwd up the Raptors, (b) bankrupted the CBA, (c) went nowhere with the Pacers, the most talented team in the East, and now (d) rebuilt the Knicks into a mediocre money stealing lump of a "team" that has the ability to both tantalize and frustrate. I swear, if we elected Isiah president, we'd get annexed by Canada.
Is it wrong that I have this narrow view of the rest of the country? I literally think about the Midwest and the South, and think that it is some sort of intellectual black hole. I know Im wrong, I know there are plenty of sophisticated, smart people in these places, but maybe not per capita. Is that a bad thing that that is the impression I get? Im listening to this station from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and they just did a stock market report. All I could think was, "Who in Iowa is worried about the Dow Jones?" Meanwhile, I know there are plenty of people that do, but on the whole, I cant imagine radios knobs around Iowa are turning up the volume to hear the Nasdaq report. Billy Bob in Diresville probably doesn't have much of a portfolio. Ive driven through this think tank, and Im guessing most of these people couldn't tell preferred stock from live stock, and most think and ESPP is like, SUPER psychic powers!
-W.C. Fields
Good morning my cherubs! Just in case you didn't notice, comments have been added. (The comments are here, the comments are here!) Feel free to tell me what a dope I am by just clicking on the link at the end of any of my rants. There is also an additional rolling list of interesting websites I have visited recently, so look for that to the right under the archives. Finally, the archives are now weekly. I have no idea why. I guess it just looks like I've done more than I have.
What is this obsession with developing a catch phrase? Everyone wants to see their words on a t-shirt or a bumper sticker I guess. Im listening to the radio, and this guy just gave a quick local news report, and closed out with, "Folks....that's a keeper!" Pardon me, ahem...ahem.....what the hell does that mean!??!?! Just say, Good Day, or Good Bye, or nothing at all. I love Sportscenter, but now everyone feels this need to come up with the next great catch phrase. Its like nicknames, either it happens or it doesnt. It can't be forced. T-Bone!
It's official. I am a moron. I know, there has been a lot of speculation, but now, the verdict is in. The jury has found me guilty on all counts. So last night, my roommates decided to celebrate St Swizzlesticks Day or whatever it was, and had a beer or twelve. So at 3 am, I had a choice: Tell them to turn the tv down and shut up, or kill myself. I contemplated door number two, but went with the mystery box and put in ear plugs. Good idea, right? First of all, it's stupid. I can't hear my roommates now, but suddenly every breath I take sounds like a 747 parked in my driveway. Meanwhile, I can hear my heart beating so loud, it's like the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard doing a solo on my ear drum. Anyways, totally oblivious to the outside world, what do you think happened? Of course, I missed my alarm. Why wouldn't I? I wake up like 45 minutes late, going, gee, why didnt my alarm go off? Take the ear plugs out, and the thing is blaring at me. Verrrrrrry intelligent.....
The worst injury is that giant scrape on the leg or the elbow or whatever from sliding on something rough. Like skinned knees on the concrete, or scrapes on thes shin from astro turf or a giant gash on the arm from asphault. Its not the injury that hurts so much, its when you get home, and get in the shower. A little soap, then the water washes it out, and man does that sting! Oh, the agony! You see someone go into the bathroom with a towel and a scrape, expect to hear them screaming for 10 seconds sometime in the near future.
Im fat. There is no cure.
Heard some interesting dialogue this morning about the no-smoking laws in New York and California. Of course, by interesting, I mean, ignorant and moronic. Everyone takes an issue like this and totally overanalyzes it. I can't believe that people who smoke are still whining about not being able to smoke in bars and restaraunts. Im no economist, but I dont see alot of bars going out of business. California has had the ban for some time now, and everyone has adapted. They go outside to smoke, they come back. It's all good. Meanwhile, the rest of us don't go home reeking to high heaven. I know that when I go to vegas, I bring a separate linen bag, and I come back from the casinos or the clubs, and take off every last stich of clothes, and throw them in a bag, and throw that bag in the closet, cause those clothes stink. Ever been in a place with so much smoke, that when you shower, you can actually see the smoke being washed off of you? That is just not cool. No night out is so important that I need to come home looking like a chimney sweep from Mary Poppins. On the other side of the issue, why does the government make cigarettes legal, then make smoking them in certain places illegal? It's like, these things are so dangerous, that you cant use them in other people's vicinity....however, feel free to bang out a pack or two a day all alone. Huh? It's sort of like, no drinking in public. Why? Hey, getting loaded is fine, just make sure you do it behind closed doors. Whatever happened to telling the other squares, hey, don't like it, turn your head. That bad boy is on a swivel!
One last smoking issue. Who was the moron that came up with smoking and non-smoking sections? It's smoke! You can't contain it. And there used to be smoking and non-smoking on airplanes! Airplanes! It's a freaking tube, you can't control the smoke! Does it really take a genius to see this? Why smoke in an airplane anyways? Just baste and sauce me, cause Im coming out soft and tender like smoked tenderloin. Hey, let's turn transportation into a slow roaster. Great idea. I blame the Euros.
Cherry pop tarts are the best flavor. I will not argue about this.
My back is better today. So is my knee. However, I gashed my leg, and my thumb is still tender. I have to take an evidence final tonight, and my handwriting is gonna look like Christopher Reeves' signature. Im wondering if I should just put a note at the top telling my professor why she is reading about privilege and expert testimony in absolute chicken scratch. I can see it now, "This is law school, not medical school!"
There is this commercial for Kay Jewlers where this little girl tells her dad that she wants to get this 700 dollar diamond ring for her mom, or something like that, then gives her dad a jar full of pennies saying "This is enough, right?" Then the idiot says, "Its more than enough!" What are you teaching your kid? That you can buy diamonds for a buck seventeen? Then the mom gets it, and the little kid says, "I got it all by myself!" The hell you did, you little broke bastage! Don't teach your kids such stupid stuff. They bring you a penny jar and ask to buy diamonds, you say, oh hell no, you better get a job or a loan if you wanna get something that expensive. This stupid kid is gonna be 30 years old, walking into a Lexus dealer laying down a 50 cent piece as a downpayment. "This is enough right?"
Poor Eli Manning! He got drafted by the San Diego Chargers, and didn't want to play here. Let me say that again: This yahoo, from Mississippi, didn't want to move to San Diego. Hmmmm, great weather, beaches, sunshine, beautiful women......can you really blame him? What a disaster it would be to live here! Oh, poor poor Eli! To think, he almost got to live in Southern California and make 7 million dollars a year. Better to demand a trade to New York where they will boo this guy if he gets a bad haircut. And remember, E-whine, in December, when you are freezing your Manning-hood off, you can't come back to SD. You are stuck. Enjoy the slush and your condo in Jersey.
Im not afraid to steal a good idea. I will now introduce a segment I am stealing from Todd Wright's All Night show on ESPN Radio. A quick look at the week's latest in a matrimonial format.....
Something Old: The Bachelor. This is a tired tired show. The idea is played out, and the premise is getting more and more ridiculous. Now, I am supposed to follow the exploits of a good looking professional football player who apparantly can't find a girlfriend without the help of a major TV show? I couldnt care less about him and his pack of gold diggers (and that is what they are). This is an idea which has run its course. Let's move on to the next abomination, please.
Something New: Two things. First, this guy is enjoying his 15 minutes of fame, as the emails make the rounds, and the topic fills air time on the radio. Check out his ad and enjoy the silliness with everyone else. The other thing, Ultimate Vodka. Next time you find yourself in a high end bar, ask for it by name. There is a blue bottle (pictured in the link) and a red bottle. Get the red bottle. It is the crispest vodka I have ever tasted, infused with black cherry flavoring. Unbelievably good. It was about 12 bucks a glass, but, eh, live a little.
Something Borrowed: I already talked about Ced the Entertainer (Im a grown ass man!) remaking Back to School, so I wont rehash that. Have you seen the new Sprite commercials? This new puppet, Myles Thirst? Kinda funny, but a direct rip off of Lil Penny from the old Nike commercials. So obvious, I dont think Sprite would even claim otherwise. Show em my motto! Obey your thirst? Should be Obey your Attorney....that looks like an IP issue to me!
Something Blue: Knicks fans. Another playoff run, another sweep. This time at the hands of the Jersey Nets, who will soon be in Brooklyn stealing the Knick dollar. Props to Isiah Thomas for another job well done! The man who (a) screwd up the Raptors, (b) bankrupted the CBA, (c) went nowhere with the Pacers, the most talented team in the East, and now (d) rebuilt the Knicks into a mediocre money stealing lump of a "team" that has the ability to both tantalize and frustrate. I swear, if we elected Isiah president, we'd get annexed by Canada.
Is it wrong that I have this narrow view of the rest of the country? I literally think about the Midwest and the South, and think that it is some sort of intellectual black hole. I know Im wrong, I know there are plenty of sophisticated, smart people in these places, but maybe not per capita. Is that a bad thing that that is the impression I get? Im listening to this station from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and they just did a stock market report. All I could think was, "Who in Iowa is worried about the Dow Jones?" Meanwhile, I know there are plenty of people that do, but on the whole, I cant imagine radios knobs around Iowa are turning up the volume to hear the Nasdaq report. Billy Bob in Diresville probably doesn't have much of a portfolio. Ive driven through this think tank, and Im guessing most of these people couldn't tell preferred stock from live stock, and most think and ESPP is like, SUPER psychic powers!
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