"Marge, I cant believe you forged my name!"
"Homer, you've forged my name lots of times."
"But this isn't something simple like a loan application, or a will!"
-The Simpsons
I saw Star Jones from The View at the All Star game the other day. I had heard that she had lost all this weight. Um, from where? No offense, but she is still large and in charge. Look, I understand that the camera adds a few pounds, but.....how many cameras did she have on her?
On Pardon The Interruption, they discuss every topic for exactly a minute or so, then a DING goes off, and they move on. On Around the Horn, if you are talking out of your ass, the host can hit a button, and you are muted for 20 seconds. What would you rather have? Imagine dating someone, and they are rambling on and on. Would you rather just give them the DING, and move on to something else. Or just 20 seconds of relief. Some people, man, they just dont shut up! And the worst thing is, most of the stuff they say is garbage, because, there just isnt that much to talk about. Eventually, you run out, and next thing you know, you're telling me about why you prefer JIF to Skippy. Or maybe you dont want either, and you just get a band to start playing when you want someone to wrap it up, you know, like on the awards shows, when the speech gets to long?
Why do rich people get the benefit of the doubt all the time? Paris Hilton goes out, parties all the time, makes sex videos, and is an overall waste of space. Why is she even on the planet? And why do people care? She is an oxygen thief. Using up resources the rest of us could be using. Meanwhile, she is known as a "socialite." But if any of us goes out drinking, gettin in trouble, being like that....we are degenerates. That's not fair.
I hate chit chat. Have I talked about this before? How you doing? Nice weather? How's it going? Why must I be expected to talk with people just because I know them? Man, sometimes, I dont feel like talking. Only when there is something worth talking about. And how about that little "dance" we all have to do in the office when we see a co-worker coming at us in the hall? There is this requirement that you say HI everytime. The best is when it's a good enough friend where the head nod is enough. The head nod is so underrated. Nothing better. You can acknowledge the other person without having to actually speak. Maybe instead of saying Hi, we can just say "acknowledge." That way, no hurt feelings, no incessant small talk.
What is with the Yankees? I keep thinking that Steinbrenner and his GM are like Brad Pitt and Clooney in Ocean's Eleven. Steinbrenner is just sitting there, head down, and Cashman just stares off into space, "You think we need one more?" "You think we need one more." "Ok, we'll get one more." It's all like an afterthought, like eh, I guess we could always just get this guy. Sure, why not.
.........awkward silence..............
Early Final Four Picks: Stanford, Gonzaga, Connecticut and Oklahoma State. Best teams I've seen play so far. Also, watch out for Air Force. If they get in, they are bound to upset a big dog. Air Force over Arizona? Sounds perfect, the Wildcats are a bit of a fraud. Speaking of frauds: Kentucky, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Louisville. Not sure yet about Miss St. I like Florida, but they just can't get it done. And Cincy hasnt gotten the help from White and Whaley that I expected. Im really surprised. If those guys played as good as their press clippings, Cincy would be dominating. St Joes is going no where, by the way. A big strong team (Mich St?) is going to beat them up in the tourney.
Note to some people who think they are dope basketball players: Being tall is not a skill. So many times I get a guy who is twice my size score on me, and they are like, yeah, what up. And Im like, dude, being bigger than someone is not a talent. I respect talent, not good genes.
The Yankees will not win the World Series. Write that down. Their pitching will break down, and just a bunch of bats wont get it done. Their defense is atrocious. I mean, terrible. Too many other good teams out there. Hell, Florida beat em last year, and Florida really wasnt very good. Really. The fluke of all flukes.
Top 5 Teams Going Into Spring Training:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Anaheim
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Philadelphia
Ok, fine, confession. I like karaoke. It's fun. It's always a great atmosphere, and everyone is having a good time, and if you find a place where you get to know people, you dont feel bad when you stink.
Everyone has a really lame song that they like, right? Lets be honest, it's like a skeleton in the closet. You know it's hella lame, and you wouldn't get caught dead singing it out loud in front of people, but you just like it. My skeleton is Heaven is a Place on Earth, by Belinda Carlisle. I realize that makes me extremely gay, so I'll just admit it now.
Speaking of gay, I heard that someone was interviewing those Queer Eye guys (the Fluke Five), and they were asked "What annoys you the most about straight men." Um, excuse me? Are you serious with that? Can you imagine, for one minute, what would happen if a reporter asked a straight guy what it is about gay men that annoys them? There would be anarchy! (it's out of my hands) Things like that bug the living hell out of me. Double standards are absurd, and the sooner we either give deferance to both sides of an issue, then stop being so touchy. I understand that it was a tongue in cheek question, but come on, man, double standard.
Do me a favor, everyone, stop telling me what is good for me. Seriously. Maybe it's good for you. So, tell me, hey I enjoy this, you might like it too. But don't tell me, oh, you gotta do this, or you gotta see this, its great for you. You dont know crap about me. I dont care if you know me like the back of your hand. Recommend, don't insist. Im sick of it.
And a shout out to my roommate. Dude, if you are going to do something, do it. If you are not going to do it, don't say you will. Don't you all hate it when someone says they will do something, and you know, you freaking KNOW by looking in their eyes that they have no intention of doing it? Man, don't freaking lie to me, because I'll be waiting for you, and when you don't show, you have just ruined my day. I'm at the point with my roommate where I don't ask, and he if says something, I don't believe it. Simple as that. That's a bad reputation to create.
I hate cats, plain and simple. Even if I wasn't allergic, they suck. And dogs are cool, but damn they are filthy. Just give me a freaking turtle or something. Thing stays in one freaking place.
Is it wrong if I don't like it when homeless people pan handles on the freeway entrances. You know, just standing right next to your car, makin you feel guilty while you wait for the light? Is that really the way to generate people's sympathy? I bet 4 out of 5 people are too angry with that guy for making them feel like crap. I know I feel that way. And the signs? Look, not to be a jerk, but you don't need the sign. I've been around the block, I understand that you need some help with money. I don't need your life story, Im sure it's a bad one. Not alot of people are gonna write a sign that says, "Had 10 mill, spent it on booze and hookers. Life dealt me a great hand, not sure how I got here." They all say the same thing, you know, tough break, veteran, whatever. I get the gig. Not alot of mortgage brokers are sitting unshaven on a freeway island. And finally, don't hold up a sign that says you are hungry, and then give me a dirty look when I bring you an extra cheeseburger from McDonald's. If you want cash, ask for cash. If you are really hungry, eat the damn cheeseburger. They are damn good!
Ever get a seat with the one in the middle open on the plane? Is this the most agonizing good fortune to ever happen? There is this moment, where
you are in total panic mode. People stop coming on the plane, and you
realize, you have an open middle seat, and the stewardess starts to close
everthing , and check everyone. You start to like, pretend to be
invisible, like, this seat isnt here, im not here, dont no one come near me!
You dont want to jinx it, so you start saying things like, eh, someone
will come. Ill never get it. Tough luck. Then, literalyl seconds
before you are about to take off, you set your magazine in the open seat,
and boom, some fat, disheveled traveler comes flying on board like he just got
choppered onto the runway, and he starts the frantic seat search, and you
are looking at the seats in front thinking, god, there has to be an open
seat up there, there has to be.....and then, he makes the stop, and you get
that eye contact, and you look up like a kid who stole a cookie and he
caught you....and those fateful words are spoken..."Can i get that seat?"
and every ounce of your body says "NO!" and then you say, sotto
voce......"Uh, yeah" and the guy either (a) stinks, (b) talks incessently
about his job as a claims broker in boise, or (c) sleeps on your shoulder.
I wonder: if you killed this person, would a jury convict?
"Homer, you've forged my name lots of times."
"But this isn't something simple like a loan application, or a will!"
-The Simpsons
I saw Star Jones from The View at the All Star game the other day. I had heard that she had lost all this weight. Um, from where? No offense, but she is still large and in charge. Look, I understand that the camera adds a few pounds, but.....how many cameras did she have on her?
On Pardon The Interruption, they discuss every topic for exactly a minute or so, then a DING goes off, and they move on. On Around the Horn, if you are talking out of your ass, the host can hit a button, and you are muted for 20 seconds. What would you rather have? Imagine dating someone, and they are rambling on and on. Would you rather just give them the DING, and move on to something else. Or just 20 seconds of relief. Some people, man, they just dont shut up! And the worst thing is, most of the stuff they say is garbage, because, there just isnt that much to talk about. Eventually, you run out, and next thing you know, you're telling me about why you prefer JIF to Skippy. Or maybe you dont want either, and you just get a band to start playing when you want someone to wrap it up, you know, like on the awards shows, when the speech gets to long?
Why do rich people get the benefit of the doubt all the time? Paris Hilton goes out, parties all the time, makes sex videos, and is an overall waste of space. Why is she even on the planet? And why do people care? She is an oxygen thief. Using up resources the rest of us could be using. Meanwhile, she is known as a "socialite." But if any of us goes out drinking, gettin in trouble, being like that....we are degenerates. That's not fair.
I hate chit chat. Have I talked about this before? How you doing? Nice weather? How's it going? Why must I be expected to talk with people just because I know them? Man, sometimes, I dont feel like talking. Only when there is something worth talking about. And how about that little "dance" we all have to do in the office when we see a co-worker coming at us in the hall? There is this requirement that you say HI everytime. The best is when it's a good enough friend where the head nod is enough. The head nod is so underrated. Nothing better. You can acknowledge the other person without having to actually speak. Maybe instead of saying Hi, we can just say "acknowledge." That way, no hurt feelings, no incessant small talk.
What is with the Yankees? I keep thinking that Steinbrenner and his GM are like Brad Pitt and Clooney in Ocean's Eleven. Steinbrenner is just sitting there, head down, and Cashman just stares off into space, "You think we need one more?" "You think we need one more." "Ok, we'll get one more." It's all like an afterthought, like eh, I guess we could always just get this guy. Sure, why not.
.........awkward silence..............
Early Final Four Picks: Stanford, Gonzaga, Connecticut and Oklahoma State. Best teams I've seen play so far. Also, watch out for Air Force. If they get in, they are bound to upset a big dog. Air Force over Arizona? Sounds perfect, the Wildcats are a bit of a fraud. Speaking of frauds: Kentucky, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Louisville. Not sure yet about Miss St. I like Florida, but they just can't get it done. And Cincy hasnt gotten the help from White and Whaley that I expected. Im really surprised. If those guys played as good as their press clippings, Cincy would be dominating. St Joes is going no where, by the way. A big strong team (Mich St?) is going to beat them up in the tourney.
Note to some people who think they are dope basketball players: Being tall is not a skill. So many times I get a guy who is twice my size score on me, and they are like, yeah, what up. And Im like, dude, being bigger than someone is not a talent. I respect talent, not good genes.
The Yankees will not win the World Series. Write that down. Their pitching will break down, and just a bunch of bats wont get it done. Their defense is atrocious. I mean, terrible. Too many other good teams out there. Hell, Florida beat em last year, and Florida really wasnt very good. Really. The fluke of all flukes.
Top 5 Teams Going Into Spring Training:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Anaheim
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Philadelphia
Ok, fine, confession. I like karaoke. It's fun. It's always a great atmosphere, and everyone is having a good time, and if you find a place where you get to know people, you dont feel bad when you stink.
Everyone has a really lame song that they like, right? Lets be honest, it's like a skeleton in the closet. You know it's hella lame, and you wouldn't get caught dead singing it out loud in front of people, but you just like it. My skeleton is Heaven is a Place on Earth, by Belinda Carlisle. I realize that makes me extremely gay, so I'll just admit it now.
Speaking of gay, I heard that someone was interviewing those Queer Eye guys (the Fluke Five), and they were asked "What annoys you the most about straight men." Um, excuse me? Are you serious with that? Can you imagine, for one minute, what would happen if a reporter asked a straight guy what it is about gay men that annoys them? There would be anarchy! (it's out of my hands) Things like that bug the living hell out of me. Double standards are absurd, and the sooner we either give deferance to both sides of an issue, then stop being so touchy. I understand that it was a tongue in cheek question, but come on, man, double standard.
Do me a favor, everyone, stop telling me what is good for me. Seriously. Maybe it's good for you. So, tell me, hey I enjoy this, you might like it too. But don't tell me, oh, you gotta do this, or you gotta see this, its great for you. You dont know crap about me. I dont care if you know me like the back of your hand. Recommend, don't insist. Im sick of it.
And a shout out to my roommate. Dude, if you are going to do something, do it. If you are not going to do it, don't say you will. Don't you all hate it when someone says they will do something, and you know, you freaking KNOW by looking in their eyes that they have no intention of doing it? Man, don't freaking lie to me, because I'll be waiting for you, and when you don't show, you have just ruined my day. I'm at the point with my roommate where I don't ask, and he if says something, I don't believe it. Simple as that. That's a bad reputation to create.
I hate cats, plain and simple. Even if I wasn't allergic, they suck. And dogs are cool, but damn they are filthy. Just give me a freaking turtle or something. Thing stays in one freaking place.
Is it wrong if I don't like it when homeless people pan handles on the freeway entrances. You know, just standing right next to your car, makin you feel guilty while you wait for the light? Is that really the way to generate people's sympathy? I bet 4 out of 5 people are too angry with that guy for making them feel like crap. I know I feel that way. And the signs? Look, not to be a jerk, but you don't need the sign. I've been around the block, I understand that you need some help with money. I don't need your life story, Im sure it's a bad one. Not alot of people are gonna write a sign that says, "Had 10 mill, spent it on booze and hookers. Life dealt me a great hand, not sure how I got here." They all say the same thing, you know, tough break, veteran, whatever. I get the gig. Not alot of mortgage brokers are sitting unshaven on a freeway island. And finally, don't hold up a sign that says you are hungry, and then give me a dirty look when I bring you an extra cheeseburger from McDonald's. If you want cash, ask for cash. If you are really hungry, eat the damn cheeseburger. They are damn good!
Ever get a seat with the one in the middle open on the plane? Is this the most agonizing good fortune to ever happen? There is this moment, where
you are in total panic mode. People stop coming on the plane, and you
realize, you have an open middle seat, and the stewardess starts to close
everthing , and check everyone. You start to like, pretend to be
invisible, like, this seat isnt here, im not here, dont no one come near me!
You dont want to jinx it, so you start saying things like, eh, someone
will come. Ill never get it. Tough luck. Then, literalyl seconds
before you are about to take off, you set your magazine in the open seat,
and boom, some fat, disheveled traveler comes flying on board like he just got
choppered onto the runway, and he starts the frantic seat search, and you
are looking at the seats in front thinking, god, there has to be an open
seat up there, there has to be.....and then, he makes the stop, and you get
that eye contact, and you look up like a kid who stole a cookie and he
caught you....and those fateful words are spoken..."Can i get that seat?"
and every ounce of your body says "NO!" and then you say, sotto
voce......"Uh, yeah" and the guy either (a) stinks, (b) talks incessently
about his job as a claims broker in boise, or (c) sleeps on your shoulder.
I wonder: if you killed this person, would a jury convict?
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