Is It the Apocalypse Yet? What's The Holdup?
I am minutes away from insanity, so I had better blog before I slip into absolute dementia. Two hours of "conversation" with my estranged wife on Tuesday (I think, what's today?) I'm not going to lie, it was emotionally draining. I hung up that phone, and felt like I had been embalmed. I had absolutely no life left in me. But for all the negatives, for all the tough things that were said.....believe it or not, it was a good thing. Nobody likes hearing the person they love tell them all the ways that they screwed up, but it was a long time coming. She has been on my case for alot of stuff over the years, and rightfully so. But I finally got to hear how upset it all made her, how fed up she was with everything I had done. I can't deny it. I have sucked for some time now. I just, well, came to school, and got caught up in the "college scene." I was incredibly lonely, and filled the void by making some questionable decisions. I have come to realize what a mistake all of that was, but I have my life in order now. I really wish she could see past the old stuff, and focus on making things happen from here on out. We shall see.
In regards to all of that, here is a little information for the ladies out there. No matter how bad of something you have done, always been honest with your man. The truth is, you can not do anything in this world that can compete with the things we make up in our head. Nothing rivals your boyfriend's/husband's imagination. I know my wife like the back of my hand. I trust her more than any person I have ever met, and consider her incredibly honest. But one little comment the other night has driven me insane. Look, I know, I KNOW, that she has been spending our time apart working on herself. She made it an explicit point to tell me that we are separated right now, completely on our own. So, being the jealous man that I am, I said "What does that mean?" I pressed the issue, just to see if she had any ideas about seeing other people. Of course, I berated her enough to the point that she said, yeah, I guess I could see other people. That drove me insane of course, but I brought it on myself. So, of course, now, I have spent the last few days concocting every absurd, illogical, and absolutely horrifying scenario my crazy mind can think of. You wanna talk about torture? Forget POW camps, visit the mind of a separated husband. It isn't jealousy either, it is absolute fear. I turn white thinking about anyone else touching my wife. But Im not stupid, I know that people get lonely, and she has felt so distant from me, so every scenario I come up with, no matter how outlandish, always has a little possibility to it. Augh, when will all of this end? I have worked so hard to become a better person. Not just for her, but for me too. I am 100 times the man I ever was, and it is exciting. I have never felt so strong and independent. I control me and the world around me. I am everything I want to be, and everything she looks for in me. I just fear that it is too late. God, I hope not......
I wish I didnt have to be such a downer all the time, but times are stressful. In a way, I am happy to have the stress in my life. If I didnt have it, every moment of every day would be spent worrying and being upset. Well, maybe not every moment, but considering how much fun stuff I have cut out of my life, there isnt much else I could be doing. I have been gone for a while, but it's finals week. Had an exam last night, and it went really well. But I have an exam on Sat morning, at 9, and well, that's not going to be too nice. I am NOT looking forward to it. It's one of those exams where you never know enough. There is always a little bit more that I should be knowing. What sucks is, it's evidence, and like, everyone at my school is going into criminal law, so they love that stuff. Meanwhile, Im a bean counter, headed to transactional law, so I couldn't care less about hearsay, impeachment and judicial notice. It's important to know, but damn, like I'll ever need it. Yeah right, I'll end up in the PD's office at this rate. Sigh. This is supposed to be the greatest achievement in my life, and all I can do is hate school. This time away from my wife has killed our relationship, and I am just so bitter. Do you know, I now hate the state of Texas? Yeah, the entire state. I can't watch Dallas sports teams play. I get physically ill during a Mavericks game or a Rangers game. It is really bad. Meanwhile, Texas is everywhere. For some reason, its in the news, every car in front of me has Texas plates, my favorite teams are always playing in Texas.....it's a nightmare. You would think I could get away from it all for just a second! Please! Ok, enough whining....I have had some real emotions weighing on me, and I needed to vent. Hopefully, you all just skipped all that.....
It seems a news report said that the torture camps and brutal prisons in Iraq had finally been closed after our invasion. Um, not quite. Try, Under New Management! Speaking of which, is what happened really all that bad? I know, it's not cool, but it comes with the territory. Read the news. JV field hockey girls in Peoria are doing worse things to each other, and they are all friends with each other! Hell, so these guys got a few pics taken of them. Most guys have done ten times worse to their buddy after he passes out. There are more pics on the internet of guys with pen on their face, pants down and a crank in their face than anything else. Let's cut these people some slack. Yeah, it's not cool. But don't treat it like some sort of POW camp, where they are pulling out fingernails. You get some guy who three months ago was working the assembly line at a factory that makes foam fingers in upstate NY, and now he's in charge of a prison full of Iraqi captives. He is bound to make a bad decision or six.....
Ok, this sports report just said that Pedro Martinez was in "rare form." He struck out 8 and won the game. He does that all the time. He has multiple Cy Young awards. There is nothing "rare" about that performance. I get on my roommate about this all the time. One of our roommates spent a couple weeks (probably longer) drinkin alot, getting out some stress, or whatever. He was working on a really tough paper for a long time, so he gets some leway. Anyways, my other roommate would say, "Oh man, dude was in rare form." I would always say, dude, there is nothing rare about that! It happens all the time! But people keep saying that! It's like, oh man, Bush was talkin gibberish, mispronouncing words....he was in rare form! No he wasn't!
I really don't have much else to say. Evidence awaits...wish me luck....
In regards to all of that, here is a little information for the ladies out there. No matter how bad of something you have done, always been honest with your man. The truth is, you can not do anything in this world that can compete with the things we make up in our head. Nothing rivals your boyfriend's/husband's imagination. I know my wife like the back of my hand. I trust her more than any person I have ever met, and consider her incredibly honest. But one little comment the other night has driven me insane. Look, I know, I KNOW, that she has been spending our time apart working on herself. She made it an explicit point to tell me that we are separated right now, completely on our own. So, being the jealous man that I am, I said "What does that mean?" I pressed the issue, just to see if she had any ideas about seeing other people. Of course, I berated her enough to the point that she said, yeah, I guess I could see other people. That drove me insane of course, but I brought it on myself. So, of course, now, I have spent the last few days concocting every absurd, illogical, and absolutely horrifying scenario my crazy mind can think of. You wanna talk about torture? Forget POW camps, visit the mind of a separated husband. It isn't jealousy either, it is absolute fear. I turn white thinking about anyone else touching my wife. But Im not stupid, I know that people get lonely, and she has felt so distant from me, so every scenario I come up with, no matter how outlandish, always has a little possibility to it. Augh, when will all of this end? I have worked so hard to become a better person. Not just for her, but for me too. I am 100 times the man I ever was, and it is exciting. I have never felt so strong and independent. I control me and the world around me. I am everything I want to be, and everything she looks for in me. I just fear that it is too late. God, I hope not......
I wish I didnt have to be such a downer all the time, but times are stressful. In a way, I am happy to have the stress in my life. If I didnt have it, every moment of every day would be spent worrying and being upset. Well, maybe not every moment, but considering how much fun stuff I have cut out of my life, there isnt much else I could be doing. I have been gone for a while, but it's finals week. Had an exam last night, and it went really well. But I have an exam on Sat morning, at 9, and well, that's not going to be too nice. I am NOT looking forward to it. It's one of those exams where you never know enough. There is always a little bit more that I should be knowing. What sucks is, it's evidence, and like, everyone at my school is going into criminal law, so they love that stuff. Meanwhile, Im a bean counter, headed to transactional law, so I couldn't care less about hearsay, impeachment and judicial notice. It's important to know, but damn, like I'll ever need it. Yeah right, I'll end up in the PD's office at this rate. Sigh. This is supposed to be the greatest achievement in my life, and all I can do is hate school. This time away from my wife has killed our relationship, and I am just so bitter. Do you know, I now hate the state of Texas? Yeah, the entire state. I can't watch Dallas sports teams play. I get physically ill during a Mavericks game or a Rangers game. It is really bad. Meanwhile, Texas is everywhere. For some reason, its in the news, every car in front of me has Texas plates, my favorite teams are always playing in Texas.....it's a nightmare. You would think I could get away from it all for just a second! Please! Ok, enough whining....I have had some real emotions weighing on me, and I needed to vent. Hopefully, you all just skipped all that.....
It seems a news report said that the torture camps and brutal prisons in Iraq had finally been closed after our invasion. Um, not quite. Try, Under New Management! Speaking of which, is what happened really all that bad? I know, it's not cool, but it comes with the territory. Read the news. JV field hockey girls in Peoria are doing worse things to each other, and they are all friends with each other! Hell, so these guys got a few pics taken of them. Most guys have done ten times worse to their buddy after he passes out. There are more pics on the internet of guys with pen on their face, pants down and a crank in their face than anything else. Let's cut these people some slack. Yeah, it's not cool. But don't treat it like some sort of POW camp, where they are pulling out fingernails. You get some guy who three months ago was working the assembly line at a factory that makes foam fingers in upstate NY, and now he's in charge of a prison full of Iraqi captives. He is bound to make a bad decision or six.....
Ok, this sports report just said that Pedro Martinez was in "rare form." He struck out 8 and won the game. He does that all the time. He has multiple Cy Young awards. There is nothing "rare" about that performance. I get on my roommate about this all the time. One of our roommates spent a couple weeks (probably longer) drinkin alot, getting out some stress, or whatever. He was working on a really tough paper for a long time, so he gets some leway. Anyways, my other roommate would say, "Oh man, dude was in rare form." I would always say, dude, there is nothing rare about that! It happens all the time! But people keep saying that! It's like, oh man, Bush was talkin gibberish, mispronouncing words....he was in rare form! No he wasn't!
I really don't have much else to say. Evidence awaits...wish me luck....
