"Where is your other hand?" "Between two pillows..." "Those aren't pillows!"
-Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Ok, it's time for finals, so I'm gonna be somewhat incognito for a couple weeks. Just had a few thoughts on my mind today...

First, it really bothers me when these english dudes get knighted or whatever for random stuff. Just read that Roger Moore was knighted for his work with UNICEF, and, my personal favorite, for his work in music, Sting was just named a Commander of the British Army. So, why don't we just attack England? All of their top ranking military officials are pop singers and children's book writers, no doubt. Commander Sting? That's why Britain is such a weird place, with their Royal family and all. You don't see President Bush making 50 Cent a 4 star General because In Da Club was such a hit. Then again, that guy probably knows a thing or two about war.....probably been shot more times than all of the British army combined.....

Ok, second, there was a strike in LA by the Public Transit workers. Are you kidding me? Who does this affect, like 10 people? The next person to ride the bus in LA will be the first. It probably costs 278 dollars for a one way trip just so they can break even in that wasted venture. On the same subject, the WNBA once threatened a "work stoppage." First of all, that isn't work. And second of all, who would notice? I thought that league folded 3 years ago. And props to the WNBA for having the first MVP to fail to repeat cause she had to sit out the season while pregnant. Not your typical injured list member....

Finally, I was listening to this song from Live Aid, "Do They Know its Christmas" and man, was I appalled! This is the worst song ever written. I love how the right wingers try and censor rap music for bad language, while this song is never commented on. Just a quick sampling of the lyrics (paraphrasing):

"Outside your window/ is a world of death and fear/ they have no water there/ except for their tears"

and my favorite - "tonight pray to God/ and be thankful it is them and not you"

Are you serious?!??! That has got tb be the biggest F You in the history of music. Forget East Coast vs. West Coast, here is a group of singers trying to make money for famine relief in Africa, and they are CLOWNING on the victims! Forget sending food, just send them a big middle finger, why don't you. My other favorite was them talking about toasting ourselves while we celebrate, then toast them over there in Africa while they sit in the burning heat. Good God. Do they know it's Christmas? You self-centered pricks, do you think they even give a damn? I am beside myself....

Just read that Cameron Diaz got 20 mill for Charlies Angels 2.....I am absolutely speechless. I am without speech.

"I've got sunshine/ On a cloudy day/ And when it's cold outside/ I've got the month of May"

"If he brings a knife, you bring a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital....you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's......the Chicago way."
-The Untouchables

What is the worst city in America? I mean, a major city. Sacramento has got to be in the top ten. If Sacramento isn't the worst major city, then whatever list it's on, it shouldn't take long to call roll. I'm guessing there are a ton of crappy towns in the south, or the midwest, but Sacramento sets itself up as a city. I mean, they have a professional franchise. I'm guessing only Green Bay is even close to as crappy as far as cities with a sports team. And man, let me talk about Wisconsin in general. What a disaster area this is. Just fat, loathesome white people as far as the eye can see. Every experience I have had with Wisconsin has been just horrible. Imagine just small town after small town, with the closest mall like 2 hours away. Every other business is a bar, and every place sells these snacks that are just pure cheese. They always say that California is gonna have an earthquake and break off into the Pacific, well, any day now, the entire state of Wisconsin is gonna have a heart attack. Kids are born with high cholesterol out there.

I could never live in these little towns. I visited a girlfriend of mine once, she lived in Phillips, WI. This little white trash, podunk town in northern Wisconsin. I remember, I made a U-turn in the middle of the ONE main street in the entire town, and the place was abuzz. I was reallllllll popular, huh? My visit went over like a fart in church....

Speaking of which, why are farts so darn funny. Hell, the word is hilarious. I challenge anyone to hear a poot in a silent room, and not snicker. Imagine being knighted by the Queen of England and someone poots. Riot. Or getting communion from the Pope? Poot, and the old man would be on the floor. Speaking of the Pope, what is that guy's deal? Is he like 1000? He has the posture of a cocktail shrimp....

I like drinking. Not to excess, cause being sick, and ruining your day the following morning is not cool. But having a good time is high on my list. What I don't like are people who don't drink, and then preach to me about it, like, oh man, we don't even have alcohol in the house. Come on man....is it really that bad? Look, don't drink and drive, don't become addicted, but damnit, it's Friday, let's split a case!

I'm very happy about the Sylvester Croom hiring at Mississippi State. The first black head coach in SEC history, this is a major thing. Everyone in sports is talking about it, but why aren't we talking about one thing....it's 2003! Why is it still such a big deal? I mean, they are making it sound like the Grand Wizard is on the Board of Directors for Miss State. This is a small victory, but it's not a real victory until a man like this gets hired, and no one mentions his color. On a similar note, it kinda bothers me that this gets so much attention, but when Grambling and Southern both started white quarterbacks, it was not really national news. It was more like, "Aw, isn't that neat." Man, I think that's a huge step. Acceptance has to be a two way street, doesn't it? I don't know, such a huge topic. Maybe I'll spend a day on it later, but too big to tackle right now.

I sprained my thumb and have no idea how. Damn it hurts....

I love soda. It has no nutritional value, and it makes me feel like crap after I crash from the sugar/caffeine rush...but damn, it is tasty!

Speaking of tasty, is it heresy for me to say that I think I like regular donuts better than Krispy Kremes? Mind you, I havent tried the one's with the twinkie cream filling, but Ill take a chocolate old fashioned and a cruller any day of the week. I just see those Krispy Kremes, and man, soooo much sugar, Im afraid of becoming diabetic in my sleep. I might as well fill a syringe with caramel and inject it right into my pancreas.

I owe my friend Joe an apology. Not just for jumping down his throat yesterday (I was just pissed, and took it out on him...) but for telling him that Van Morrison is no good. I listened to VM today, and enjoyed the music very much. I was wrong.

Two things in life are way overpriced: hotel rooms and footwear.

There are just somethings in life that you can't improve on, and if you are born with it, it is a blessing. I think I look good in a suit, and that's not something you can change. Either you do or you don't. It must suck if you dont look good, and you know you gotta wear one. It's gotta be panic time for those people....

People bother me in general. I really, really hate small talk. I get so uncomfortable. Look, if you want to talk about real stuff, great. But I hate feeling guilty because I didnt stop to say, "How are things?" Truth is, it's goin in one ear and out the other. Well, assuming I even listen in the first place. Like, when my roommate comes home, he gets all butt-hurt if I'm sitting there and I don't say Hi. Man, the Hi is implied. Who the hell needs validation from my monkey ass. Im just a run of the mill a-hole, and I dont pretend to be anything more.

MAN, this thumb is really starting to hurt alot! Summummabich!

You know, the French and Italians eat alot of high cholesteral, fatty foods, yet they have a low occurence of heart disease. I have read, and it has been said, that their consumption of red wines helps keep them healthy and safe from heart disease. Is that the worst news ever if you are a wino? Hey, guess what.....not only are you homeless, but your life expectancy is going UP!

Remember the Police Academy where they had the Ghetto Olympics? Events like the 100 yard dash with a stolen TV, or timing how fast you could strip a car clean? How about the Bum Olympics....I think this would be ok. 100 yard shopping car push. Or my favorite, the "How many winter coats can you wear in the summer?" Ok, that's wrong, I take it all back.

Why do professional pool players wear tuxedos? Should pro bowlers wear three piece suits?

My friends all play poker once a week, but I cant make it too often cause of work. But they just get after me all the time, always saying, "Where were you?" I've played three times now, finished top 5 once, and won the other two times. You'd think they'd stop telling me to play.

Props to Ty Willingham for giving me a new favortite quote with the word "fart" in it. The previous winner was from the movie Fresh, "Want a beer?" "Is it any good?" "No, tastes like a warm tub of piss someone farted in." The new winner? "Getting that type of performance out of this team is like beating a fart out of a dead horse." Never heard that, but damn, that's funny.

Hey, memo to every dork out there....nicknames are given, not taken. You CAN NOT give yourself a nickname. Either someone else gives you one, or you don't get one. You don't start telling people, call me this or that. I think I have like....5 nicknames, all from different people. Just like I give everyone else a nickname. Give yourself a nickname and you are a dork. Wait, I have 6, not 5.

I play golf, and I laugh at these guys that spend thousands of dollars on equipment. I roll out there with a 15 year old set of clubs, a thirdhand golf bag, and a bunch of range balls. Hole in my golf glove, old ass shoes. I am a broke ass scrub. These guys pull out what looks like a Volkswagon tied to the end of a yard stick, and they hit the ball nice down the middle, 250. I roll in, with a driver that looks like Moses' walking stick, and hit it 280. Is there a bigger racket out there than golf equipment. "Hey, use this and that and it will improve your game 50%." Look, I'd rather learn and get better than just pay for a better game. What a joke. That's like a piano teacher selling player pianos..."It will make you 100% better!" Give me a break.

Ok, Im done. My nicknames? The Gers. Jersey. T Money. Skeezy (Los, where the hell did you get that one?). The Consigliari and Worm.

"Get me on the court and I'm trouble/ Last week messed around and got a triple-double"

"If you can't pick out the sucker in the first 30 minutes at the table.....then you are the sucker."
-Rounders

Oh, Portland. What is up with this team? Every week it's a new guy getting busted for weed, or DUI, or stealing cable, or whatever. Look, I'm no idiot....half the NBA is smoking pot or driving drunk. But this is the only team of jackasses getting caught. One guy rolls through an airport metal detector with weed in tinfoil. Um, genius....aluminum is a METAL. Sigh. Look, we all do stupid stuff, but most of us have the 6 brain cells required to know that you do it in PRIVATE...great, big deal, you smoke weed. Half the planet does. Just do it in the bathtub, not on the bus...

I always wanted to know how long Phil Conners was in Punxatawny, PA. You know, Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? It seems like 3 weeks or so in the movie, but really, it had to be like a year didn't it? He learned to play the piano, do ice sculpture and recite french poetry. Not to mention he spent time trying to kill himself, and then memorizing the entire day of an entire town. As far as Im concerned, if I got stuck in one day, give me Vegas. You could blow all your money, get totally trashed, even go to jail, and wake up in your suite at the Bellagio the next morning. You know, as I was writing that, I totally changed my mind. My wedding day was pretty great, I think I could relive that over and over. Hmm, maybe not. I'd have to do the same thing, I couldnt move around much. Ok, give me Chicago. Favorite town, and I could party right up until 6 am.

Along those same lines, what about sports movies? Don't you ever wonder what a guy's stats are from the movie? I watch Hoosiers, and I could swear Jimmy goes for like 45. He hits every shot, and scores like 90% of Hickory's points. Or Bull Durham, where Nuke goes for 18 walks and 18 strikeouts in his first game. I just wonder if he kept it up.....

Speaking of Hoosiers, watch the scene where Hackman talks to Jimmy. Jimmy hits every single shot until the last line, when Hackman says "I don't care if you play or not." Then Jimmy misses. I wonder how many takes that took. Along the same lines, watch Blue Chips. Nick Nolte talks with the AD of his college, while the Ad (about 65 years old) is shooting free throws. The AD hits every free throw in the scene, nothin but net. The actor? Hall of Fame Celtic Bob Cousy.

Anyone who prefers Shemp to Curly is certifiably insane. We need to ship these people to Guam. Don't even get me started on Curly Joe....

I can't decide who my favorite tv characters are of all time. Gotta say Arnold Jackson and Norm Peterson. But The Fonz, Kramer, Costanza.....all classics. Do cartoons count? Give me Cartman any day of the week. "Screw you guys, Im goin home...."

My roommate says that "arguing strengthens a relationship." If that's the case, then he and his lady are joined at the hip. They make Tommy and Pam Anderson look like Romeo and Juliet. Frazier and Ali didn't fight this much. Bill and Hillary might suggest that they "have some issues."

I've decided --> real work sucks. I always look at people's hands. They will tell you if they have ever had a day of real work in their life. If I can tell someone hasn't, I get very angry. Everyone should sweat at least once for the dollar they earn.

"I've finally exposed the facade/ your little lungs is too small to hotbox with God."

"Back to school.....back to school....to show my dad I'm not a fool!"
-Billy Madison

Finals are coming, and I cant say I'm very excited for them. I can say, though, that as far as people in the house go, Im not the least prepared. Seeing my man Joe these next two weeks is going to be interesting. He may disintegrate into a blubbering pool of gelatin by the time tests come around. Poor slob hasn't been very focused this semester. Im sure he will get it together though. Me, I just never feel like Im caught up. No matter how much I know, I can know it better. Two weeks from today we'll see what I've accomplished. Things should be ok.

Speaking of finals, I have 3 open book exams! Most people would see this as a cool thing, but I don't. Open book means they can ask whatever they want. Im totally screwed! God help me....

Ever watch The Daily Show on Comedy Central? Forget real news stations, this is a must watch. Every night at 11 pm, it's satire, sarcasm, and just non-stop comedy. With a sprinkle of real news. Just watch it...

I really hate it when you wait in a line of cars to get on an on ramp, or make a turn or whatever, and then some jackass comes right up to the front and wedges their way in. Why arent we giving these people tickets? Is there anything more rude? I figure, if I can wait, your monkey ass can wait too. What makes you so damn important that we need to stop for you? Forget that...

It really sucks to hear LT say that he was doped up as often as he was. Especially saying he was high during his jersey retirement ceremony....that is just sad. But don't try and tell us that you never used on Sundays, LT. It just isnt possible. So the drug dominated your life, but you were able to say no whenever you wanted....it just doesnt work that way. Dont try and sell me that crap, Im not buying.

Today's Movie Review: The Italian Job
Very good movie. Decent action, some good exchanges between quality actors (Mark Wahlberg has come a long way), and intelligent scams. My biggest problem is the same problem I have with alot of movies in today's internet age. There is always some computer genius who can do just about anything you ask, no matter how ridiculous it is. "Um, we need to control all of the traffic lights in Los Angeles by tomorrow." Genius -- "I'll see what I can do." And of course, he manages to do it with a lap top and a wifi card. Come on. If it were that easy, it would happen every day. It just doesnt work that way, case closed. Big ups to Mos Def in this movie. I love his music, and he holds his own as an actor. I still rate this movie behind The Score and Heist, similar films done better. Still, an enjoyable movie, and worth the rental.

It is freaking Dec 2! Stop with the Christmas music! This is so pathetic. There have been xmas songs on the radio for like 2 weeks! Look, I like christmas, but I like it because it means some time off, relaxing, being with family and friends, and giving. But it has become this commercial monstrosity that is so freaking pathetic. I mean, our country depends on christmas to run the economy. If we shut down christmas, retailers around the world would go out of business. Just read that 1.6 bill will be spent on internet shopping for christmas this year. That is nuts!

On the same subject, I just feel like when i get gifts, I really want them to mean something. I see so many people buying things just so they can "scratch someone off my list." Is that really what it is supposed to be about? I dont think so. Christmas is a chance to tell the people you care about that it's been another year, and I still care! You didnt lose me as a friend in 365 days....congrats! Here's your prize....

Such a tough decision tonight between two reality shows....the Rodman Show, or the Paris Hilton Show? Likely I will watch neither, but that doesnt mean that Paris doesn't have any multimedia products that Im not interested in viewing. Google, help me out....

Sign that 24 might not be as good this year: I remember not going a night without watching a 24 when I had it on DVD. But now, I have episode 3 TiVo'd, and I haven't watched it yet. Meanwhile, episode 4 is on tonight. This season just doesnt have that must see element to it.

Speaking of "must see TV" has a show fallen farther than Friends? What a piece of junk this has become. Slowly, they have made it so that we hate each and every character. They need to take that show off the air before I hate Joey, because he is the only one managing to remain likable. And if Courtney Cox is anything like the Monica character in real life, my sympathies go out to David Arquette. What a nightmare that would be....

I really like pocketwatches. Would that be a pretentious look? I think it might, but Im not sure I care....

So, I see Condoleeza Rice the other day saying that they didnt want people to know where Bush was headed, because they didnt want to bring any danger to the people on the ground when they landed. Riiiight, cause if it's one group of people for whom Bush wants to maintain the utmost in security, it's those people who he sent....over....to a WAR!

Who doesn't love Motown? Screw the Beatles and these other wannabes......give me the Motown sound any day of the week. Timeless.

Im sorry, when did "checkout clerk" at Ralph's become a CAREER? If you are getting paid next to nothing at a job like that, or if you dont think you are getting enough benefits, trust me, there are enough similar jobs out there. Not to mention, if you are getting any benefits, its more than you probably deserve. Its a job, not a career. I hate these fools trying to make me feel guilty for shopping. Look, I didnt tell you to strike, dont make me feel like buying eggs and bread is hurting you. It's not like there are signs saying "1 dollar from every quart of milk you buy goes towards a movement to violently beat any striking employees." If that were the case, I might go to Costco. Until then, move! I need my Funyuns!

"I flip the script like the dyslexic actor..."