Positivity...

Ok, so now, I have a new focus. Just gonna get my life together. Who knows what will happen from there. You figure, either we get back together, and things are dope. Or, she bails, and my life is in order. I am on my way, of course, but its hard when you spend half your time worrying about things you cant control. Isnt that right. Give me the power to know the difference between the two, and some such. Anyways....

So now I do the financials for my friend's new small company. They sell sports apparal, mainly Padres and Yankees stuff. www.diversespectrum.com, check it out sometime. Its a nice diversion, and a good way to keep my accounting skills honed.

What is with the Lifetime Network? Isn't it supposed to to be the network for women? Yet, every movie is about some lady who gets raped, or strangled, or beaten, or kidnapped, or whatever. It just seems like the programming is counter to what they are trying to promote. It's like having the Food Network located in Ethiopia or MTV showing Right Said Fred videos all day....

God help me...

I lied. I said that I could deal with losing my wife, but I can't. I have tried, I promise you. I have tried to move on, I have tried to forget her, I have tried to rationalize. I've done it all. Nothing. All I think about is her. I want to work it out, and I will go to any lengths to make it work. I would shine shoes for a living if it would make us work as a couple. She wants to meet, talk about dividing our stuff and all that. At first, I was really cool about it. But, the reality of it is that I can't do it. I don't believe in divorce for convenience. She just seems to be so busy with life issues, that I have become a burden. Perhaps if I was around, she could lean on me. But without me there, I am just a liability. It's enough to make me cry, you know? It's so sad that things are where they are at. Time have been tough, and my life has been, well.....hell. But forget all that, I honestly want to go to square one. I have decided that I can't be a part of any split-up. If that's what she really wants, she will have to do it herself. I know that I want her to be happy, but in a perfect world, I would be the one to do that. She has become so cold and cynical....I wish I knew why. I have some ideas, but nothing worth exploring. It's just one of those things. I have searched everywhere, for someone to agree with her side. I want to feel like this is a legitimate situation. However, even when I reveal all my faults, all the silly things I have done.....no one sees divorce as a legitimate answer. Truth is, my friend's wives put up with the exact same stuff on a daily basis. Half the stuff I get yelled at for, I am doing with a friend who has a wife who doesn't trip over it. So am I really the problem? I am so confused....and sad. I just want my wife back. If you see her, please just talk some sense into her.....

I remember when she first told me that we needed to separate. It absolutely destroyed me. I couldn't breathe. I had to actually leave work, I was so distraught. The first thing that came into my head was, get on a plane, fly to Dallas, and wait for her at her doorstep, then tell her I love her and that this can't happen. Well, I didn't. It just cost way too much money. And one of the reasons she was tired of me was because I was bad with money. Well, I told her that a few months ago, how I was going to do that, and she said, "Why didn't you?" Wait, you mean you would have been receptive to that? No matter the money I spent? See what I mean? I can't win. Ever.

To make matters worse, I had a dream about her last night. She was dating already, and had a regular boyfriend. Oh, it gets worse....and weird. Her boyfriend? Nolan Ryan. What the!?!?! Yeah, that's what I said. But it was sooooo real. I swear, it was like it was really happening. And he was gonna ask her to marry her, and he talked to me, telling me how he could better provide and all this. I just, I didnt get any of it, and I think I ended up fighting him or something. I'd love to say that there was a happy ending, but I cant remember. I think I woke up.....

I wish I had something funny to talk about. I just don't. Gonna be a boring weekend....

Happy USA Day

It's the fourth of July, and Im blogging. How sad. I partied pretty hard last night, then couldn't find my friends on the beach. You should have seen this place! Out of control! There were thousands upon thousands of people on the beach today in PB. Every inch of sand was covered by sunburnt, drunk locals. It was magnificent. Of course, I walked 1000 miles up and down the coast looking for my group of friends. What a disaster. I couldnt tell one drunk white person from the next. Everyone melded into one person. It was like a clone farm. Besides, with 100,000 So Cal women in bikinis, it's hard to remain focused on the goal. So here I am, back at my palacial residence, waiting for these fools to get home. They are all taking the bar at the end of the month, and this was their last hurrah. So, I must partake. See you in about 15 beers.....

On a great note, moving to a new place. Ill post pictures when I get a chance, but the bottom line is: 4th story on the bay, so close to the water that if you jump from our balcony you will land in the sand. Huge bay windows over looking the sunset. Brand new everything, courtesy of the previous residents who made the place so unlivable that their deposit rebuilt our new abode. Four rooms, and around 800 a person. Its genius. I wasnt sure I could swing the financials, but my boys wanted me to live with em so bad, they came through with a little help on the deposit until I can get mine from the current place. All I ahve to do is cook every day. A small trade off.....

I really want to post and post and post and let everyone know how I am doing. Truth is, IM not doing great. Been depressed lately. The wifey called my parents and went over and had dinner with them. OK, here is the catch. She didnt tell me. And my parents didnt ask if it was OK. They just met, ate, caught up on old times. Um, hello, Mom and Dad, this is the girl that ripped out your son's heart and served it to him a fajita. Maybe ask if it will bother me? Cause, um, it freaking does! So great timing. She didnt return my last email. God, she is becoming a real bitch. What did I do? Sigh....

At least Im playing baseball now. Check out www.sandiegosting.com Its the team I play on, and they are run by a guy with a production company or something. They video tape all the games, and take pics and stuff. There are a few of me in the picture gallery, so take a peek sometime. It's a pretty cool deal.

Ok, Budweiser Selig is calling my name. He is sitting to my left, and keeps asking "Arent you going to drink me?" Well, Im a patriotic fellow, so I better start celebrating our birth as a nation the only way a good American knows how....by getting piss drunk. Head...move....now!

Hey, Greece won the Euro tourney. 80-1 underdogs. Where is my bookie when I need him?