"Damn, that girl is so fine, I'd drink her bathwater."
-Anonymous

I don't even know where to start today. Lots of stuff on my mind. I understand that readership is growing, so lets set some rules: (1) Don't email me whining that I wrote something you disagree with or that offended you. That is the point. To offend. I don't need emails from dumb people complaining that I put them in a pad light. They're dumb people, it is my job to point out their deficiencies. (2) That's it, no other rules. Who am I kidding? There are like 4 people reading this, and that counts me. Ok 5, if you count the FBI agent who is likely tracking me...

Let me give props. First and foremost to Due Now Music. Check out the website. You can listen to the songs and they are excellent. Sort of a mix between eminem and Sublime. Dude will probably hate that explanation, but it's the closest I could think of. Truth is, it's a very original style, and deserves your attention.

Some other slept on music: Dan Darrah, Seven Day Run, Mitch Budd Band

Just makes you realize, there is alot, and I mean ALOT of talented people out there. Meanwhile, I am subjected to all this pop crap all day long. I just turn off the radio. FM gets ZERO airplay in my ride. People get in, ask to hear Ninety-whatever-point-crap, and Im like, hellllllllls no! I need another lame-lyric hip hop jam fused with substandard R&B vocals like I need another hole in the head (currently 7 and counting). Parents, stop giving allowances! It's your idiot kids who are buying all this crap and imposing it's mediocre will on the masses. Only you can stop Britney and her legion of made-for-TV garbage. "Let's give Christina and Britney thanks/ the face that launched a thousand skanks."

Oooh, on that topic. This chick got in my car the other day, a friend of my roommate, and I had a CD going. It was a mix of some Bay Area hip hop, not really mainstream stuff, so Im sure most people aren't down with it. Anyways, Im giving her (and others) a ride, and I get out to pump gas (which I am paying for), and I get back in the car, and the freaking radio is playing! Man, that is crossin some serious lines. I had to check her, "Don't EVER touch my radio. Ever." I mean, that is some bold shit. Who are you to get a ride from me, and go around turning off my music. Just ask, "Can we listen to something else?" I mean, the answer is No, but at least ask. Only my wife can pull that crap, and she has enough respect to not even bother most of the time. I about lost my mind....

Great lyric from Del the Funky Homosapian, just heard it: "Rap is not about poppin caps and fukin bitches/ it's about ingenuity and flowing fluidly" Remember that people. And stop calling the crap you here on the radio RAP, it's freaking POP. Well, most of it. Memo to Ja Rule - you are my balls.

The Apprentice: Awww yeah, the weekly Apprentice report. I can't say enough about this show. Not sure if I mentioned it, but I figured out why I like it so much. It is the first reality show where the contestants are intelligent (well, almost all of em). I can't stand to watch 30 minutes of idiots. Why would I want to immerse myself in a world where I would walk out of the room if I was there for real? Doesn't make any sense. Dear Real World people - I hate you. You provide the universe with ZERO VALUE. I will get to that show in a minute. As for the Apprentice. Great episode last night. They had to redevelop apartments, and rent them out, all in 72 hours. Amazing that both got the turn around done. One chick got a contractor to come in and remake the entire place for 1500 bucks. That was unbelievable. But there was one broad, oh man, this Omarosa chick. Stuck up bitch is what she is. A little piece of plaster hit her in the head, and she complained about a headache for 4 days, and didnt work at all. I wanted to reach in the TV and choke her out. Meanwhile, everyone just went about repainting and cleaning the apartment while she sat on her ass. Put me on that show, the ratings would skyrocket. I'd be like, "Bitch! Get off the fukin radiator and paint, or clean up, or do somethin!" I wanted to reach in the TV and choke her ass out.

Real World San Diego: Lets make this short and bitter. I live in San Diego, and I visit the same establishments as these half-wits. In two years in this fine city, I must say, I have gotten absolutely shit-housed a few times. Much worse than these Emmy Award winners. And I have never, EVER, had a run in with the police. Never. I haven't spoken to one (knock on wood...hard), nor have they spoken to me. I don't consider myself lucky, just respectful. These idiots manage to go to a total chill joint, and of the three that actually got inside (the others lost their fake IDs. By the way, I watched a couple episodes, and the same people lost like 3 IDs a piece. Where are they getting these IDs? If they are borrowing them, than half the city is driving without a license. Is MTV prinitng these bogus docs for em? I wouldnt be surprised), anyways, of the three that got in, two managed to get arrested. Dude, you have got to be a moron to scream like a drunk idiot on the street right in front of the cops. Seriously, no matter how drunk you get, have a modicum of common sense.

Cartman. Homer Simpson. Stewie from Family Guy. Funniest? Stewie in a landslid. I will not argue about this. Go out, get the DVDs, or watch every night at 11 on Toon Network. Family Guy makes The Simpsons look like an episode of Crossfire. It is maybe, 1000 times funnier. Again, I will not argue about this.

Movie Review: Runaway Jury
Good movie. Had a great twist at the end. But, to anyone with even a fleeting knowledge of the legal system, it can be a little hard to swallow. Not exactly Law and Order. Melodramatic, cynical, and downright insulting to those of us with more than a working knowledge of the court systems. However, if you can divorce yourself from the legal portion of the film, and concentrate on the adjacent story, you will be somewhat surprised. Cusak is excellent. Hackman, well, he's Hackman. Rachel Weisz is hot, as always. And Hoffman? Lets just say, I dont get Hoffman. What is the big deal with that guy? They put him next to Hackman, and he looked like as good an actor as Dice Clay. Hackman buried him. Then again, Hackman buries everyone.

Ever go into a room in your house, and you have no idea what you are doing there? You turn into CSI, analyzing every object in the room. Hmm, my keys are here, was I getting those? Nooo, hmm, that magazine, yes, yes? No, I read that. Make a sandwich? Naw, not hungry. Damnit, why am I here? Eventually, you realize you're in the bathroom and just needed to take a leak.

Or how about, you are upstairs, and you go all the way downstairs, you do like 10 things, go all the way back upstairs, get comfortable, and then look around, and realize....you didnt do what you went down there to do! Then you gotta go all the way back down. What a bitch....

I drink alot of soda.

News Check: Lets see, Ralph Nader is going to announce his decision on accepting the independant nomination. Ok, why bother? Why don't I hold a press conference too, to let everyone know my intentions. Seriously, I'm going to get as many votes as Nader if he runs. Come to think of it, I think I'll vote for myself, then I will actually get more votes. I bet he would love that. Hmm, odd, people are fighting this gay marriage legalization. Why? Does it really bother you that much? I just don't understand why people need to shove their beaks into other people's business. Damn, don't agree with it, who gives a shit what you think you right wing, uptight, no life, hating bastards. It's not your life, and it surely isnt your place to tell others what to do. Damn, are people so tired of their own meaningless lives that they feel the need to control others? I think I just answered my own question. And finally, here is some real news. I can't even comment on it, it's too great!

They say that (who says? who is they? they is them! those people who say things!), they say that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. If that's the case, I have been workin double time for quite a while. Can I apply for social security now? And if you love what you do, and never work, why the hell should you get a pension? Or SS, or vacation time. Bitch, you aint workin! You are one of the lucky ones. Be happy you get paid to be happy.

Ugh, I could go on for days. Ill rap this up. Future topics: Red carpet shows, Dave Chapelle, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "bad weather", and pre-written freestlyes. Join us tomorrow, for another exciting episode of, I Hate Everyone! Excel and enjoy my peoples.....

"The good news is, the Scotch works."
-Bill Murray, Lost in Translation

Why do voices in peoples' heads always tell them to kill? These serial killers always say "The voices in my head told me to do it." I find this very irresponsible by the voices. Aren't there some voices that tell people to do good things? "Hey, Bob, this is the voice. Donate to the homeless and trim your neighbor's hedges." Wouldn't that be nice? Of course, there are those people who claim to do good deeds because God told them to. Aren't these people just as nuts? Look, Im a spiritual guy, and I believe in a supreme force (not necessarily a being), but no one is talking to anyone. These people are insane, and will eventually end up in an elevated location with a high powered rifle. Keep an eye on them.

Definition of a generation gap. If you are under 45, all you can think about is retiring. Screw this work crap. Give me a suitcase full of money, and let me enjoy life. But people over 45, over 50, they all want to work. They never want to retire. They fight to keep their jobs. What is that all about? Im 29 and if you gave me a million bucks to go away, you'd never see me again. But these old guys, total pikers, clockin in and clockin out, 9 to 5ers. You even mention retirement, and they freak out. "I'll work till I die!" they exclaim. Why? What the hell is wrong with you? How can you be bored? I would kill to sit on the couch all day and watch TV. People might say that I lack ambition, but why do we work so hard? To make money. And why do we make money? So that we can have an easy life. So, if I had the money, I sure wouldn't need the job.

Go here immediately. Do it now!

Movie Review: LOST IN TRANSLATION

I have to get serious here for a minute. This movie, well, it was fantastic. I mean truly excellent. It's slow. It's quiet. It's unimposing. It's brilliant. The characters, jus spoke to me. Their feelings, their emotions, the undercurrent to their expressions, all came through the screen at 100 mph. I wish I could really describe this movie, but all I can say is, see it. If you have ever felt lost, or unsure about yourself and what you were doing, just dissatisfied with life.....see this movie. It is a movie about intelligence, and self awareness. The movie Bull Durham had the greatest line in it, when Annie Savoy describes why Nuke LaLoosh will be successful, she says that "He wasn't cursed with self awareness." It is so true. This is a society and a world where being too stupid to know any better leads to true happiness. Those of us with even a modicum of intelligence always have doubts. Always have questions. We are always analyzing every little movement, every little action. There is no time to enjoy life because you are constantly wondering if you are missing something. To spend a lifetime unable to comprehend complex issues is both sad and fortiutous at the same time. This movie looks at the existence of incredible self aware people, and their struggle to find a niche in the most hectic place imaginable, Tokyo. It is so much more than feeling out of place in a new culture. It's about enveloping yourself in a certain lifestyle, and feeling uncomfortable in your own bubble, in your own skin. There is a great interplay between the main character, a Yale grad stuggling to connect with her own soul, and a vapid, empty actress with no redeeming qualities. The bright, accomplished, married Yale grad, tirelessly unhappy with her own existence, and the hollow actress, having the time of her life, too stupid to know what a boring, uninteresting person she actually is. You can see both pity and jealousy in the eyes of the Yale grad. My recommendation is to see this movie, and to try and feel it, rather than watch it. *****

I have been looking at other blogs recently, and I must say, mine is nothing like them. They are all about people describing their lives, just giving a run down on their mundane day-to-day activities. Are they just validating a boring existence, or do they really think people care that their hamster is allergic to pistachios and they are thinking of putting a new roof on their shed? God forbid people take a moment to look at the world as a whole, and maybe comment on it. If that's not for you, get away from this blog, immediately. This is for the informed, the opinionated, and those so desparate for entertainment, they actually find me slightly amusing.

My stomach hurts so bad, it feels like I swallowed a thousand needles. I am on the verge of praying for a quick end. Auuuuuuughghghgh!

Ok, gotta jet, got class soon. Just do me a favor loyal readers. Forward this blog address to your friends. Lets get readership up. Nothing would make me happier than to reach out to more and more people. If you truly enjoy the ramblings, show your thanks by passing on the message. Good day, my cherubs.

"I don't mind if gay people have relationships, but I could do without the public displays of affection. That's just me. Unless it's too hot chicks. I still don't like it.....but I'll watch."
-Anonymous Friend


It isn't a "near miss" people. It is a "near hit." A near miss is a HIT! Two planes crash into each other....hey, they nearly missed! Just think about it...

I keep hearing questions about will the Lakers trade Kobe and will the Sixers trade Iverson. Um, did any one thing perhaps they should be traded for each other? It makes too much damn sense to me I guess! I mean, Kobe went to HS in Philly. AI needs a coach he can respect. No one works harder on the court (except maybe KG) than Iverson. Shaq would love this guy. The Sixers don't get worse (they may get better), Kobe gets his own team, the Lakers stay good. I dont know, am I really wrong here? I can totally see AI deferring to Shaq late in the game. And it's ok to have a small 2 guard, when GP is the 1 at his size. It all makes too much damn sense not to work.....

This steroid story is going to get real bad, real soon. A group of "trainers" have been indicted (and may have entered guilty pleas already) for distributing illegal steroids. In addition, they have supposedly admitted to the Feds that they distributed said drugs to pro baseball players. No names have been named yet, but it is only a matter of time. This is the worst thing ever, considering we just had the greatest postseason in years, and the greatest off-season ever in baseball. I hope the game can withstand this. And is anyone sweating more than Barry Bonds? He's gotta be tweaking....

Ok, this may come off as a little insensitive. It seems that Colorado had a female kicker walk on some years ago, and she has just revealed that she was sexually assaulted by a fellow player while there. First and foremost, I find this so horrendous, and the fact that she isnt pressing charges kills me. This guy needs to pay the piper, no doubt. But she also revealed that prior to that, her life was a living hell as players harrassed her, threw balls at her head during practice, and even exposed themselves to her. Mind you, she never played. Ever. So, as bad as it sounds, what the hell was she still doing on the team? I know you dont want to "let them win" by quitting, but by staying, she really wasn't proving anything. I just think in that situation, man, just get out of there. It's not a pride thing anymore, I would have thought it had become a safety issue.

Matt Dillon is 40? Ok, I feel old now. Nothing makes you feel older than when you realize the people around you are getting older. I look in the mirror, and I dont feel old. But then I look at other people and think, damn what happened? I wonder if people look at me the same way? And I find myself answering the question "How old are you?" with "How old do I look?" more and more. Looking at that, that is pathetic...

Is there anyone on TV with less talent than Ryan Seacrest? He has to be the first person in history who could be replaced with NOTHING, and we wouldn't notice....

Why are classic movies considered better than today's movies? Honestly. They were made just years after they figured out how to do movies, so they didnt even know what they were doing for the most part. People have had 80 years to study film, study story telling, direction, lighting, acting, effects, all of it. So doesn't it stand to realize that the really good films of today have got to be better than the old ones? Isnt The Godfather better than Casablanca? Why is Some Like it Hot supposed to be the funniest movie of all time? It's just not possible. I bet I could pull 10 people off of the street, and show them Some Like it Hot and Caddyshack, and Caddyshack would win every time. Am I way off base here? These old Cary Grant films, all that old stuff, man, it is a giant snooze. Why is Its A Wonderful Life the best Christmas movie? Scrooged was better for crying out loud. Funny, interesting....Its a Wonderful Life is boring and sappy. But it's a "classic." Ok, well, in 40 years, I expect that todays movies will be looked at nostalgically.

Never mind the problems at Baylor that led to the firing of Head Coach Dave Bliss. After the program basically imploded, players were allowed to transfer, and not sit out a year, as is the norm. Currently, former Baylor player Lawrence Roberts has led Miss St to a #4 ranking and is the leading contender for Player of the Year. Former Baylor guard John Lucas has led Oklahoma State to a #7 ranking. Both teams are playing incredible. A third Baylor player is at Texas, who is in the top 20. So why isn't anyone asking the basic question: How did Baylor stink so bad last year? Honestly, these guys are incredible. And if Baylor had been held together, would they be a really good team this year? Makes you wonder what makes some a success, and others not so much with the success and all.

Just for the record....Im scared to death of being single again. I hope it never happens. Being married is great.

Hey, did I mention props to the Yanks? I think getting the MVP is a real coup for them. No really, they were really hurting. It's good to see they were able to fill that hole in the lineup. The 8 hitter should hit 40 jacks. Solid move for them.

Damn, BBQ is good. Why is flame cooking so much better than anything else? Any another thing, why is toasted bread 100 times tastier than regular bread? You havent done anything to it, just burned it a little. A little singe. And besides that, don't we all look better with a tan? What is it about burning something that improves the hell out of it? Burn ore, make metals. Burn sand, make glass.

Ok, can't focus. Will be back tonight with more, hopefully......

"Marge, I cant believe you forged my name!"
"Homer, you've forged my name lots of times."
"But this isn't something simple like a loan application, or a will!"
-The Simpsons

I saw Star Jones from The View at the All Star game the other day. I had heard that she had lost all this weight. Um, from where? No offense, but she is still large and in charge. Look, I understand that the camera adds a few pounds, but.....how many cameras did she have on her?

On Pardon The Interruption, they discuss every topic for exactly a minute or so, then a DING goes off, and they move on. On Around the Horn, if you are talking out of your ass, the host can hit a button, and you are muted for 20 seconds. What would you rather have? Imagine dating someone, and they are rambling on and on. Would you rather just give them the DING, and move on to something else. Or just 20 seconds of relief. Some people, man, they just dont shut up! And the worst thing is, most of the stuff they say is garbage, because, there just isnt that much to talk about. Eventually, you run out, and next thing you know, you're telling me about why you prefer JIF to Skippy. Or maybe you dont want either, and you just get a band to start playing when you want someone to wrap it up, you know, like on the awards shows, when the speech gets to long?

Why do rich people get the benefit of the doubt all the time? Paris Hilton goes out, parties all the time, makes sex videos, and is an overall waste of space. Why is she even on the planet? And why do people care? She is an oxygen thief. Using up resources the rest of us could be using. Meanwhile, she is known as a "socialite." But if any of us goes out drinking, gettin in trouble, being like that....we are degenerates. That's not fair.

I hate chit chat. Have I talked about this before? How you doing? Nice weather? How's it going? Why must I be expected to talk with people just because I know them? Man, sometimes, I dont feel like talking. Only when there is something worth talking about. And how about that little "dance" we all have to do in the office when we see a co-worker coming at us in the hall? There is this requirement that you say HI everytime. The best is when it's a good enough friend where the head nod is enough. The head nod is so underrated. Nothing better. You can acknowledge the other person without having to actually speak. Maybe instead of saying Hi, we can just say "acknowledge." That way, no hurt feelings, no incessant small talk.

What is with the Yankees? I keep thinking that Steinbrenner and his GM are like Brad Pitt and Clooney in Ocean's Eleven. Steinbrenner is just sitting there, head down, and Cashman just stares off into space, "You think we need one more?" "You think we need one more." "Ok, we'll get one more." It's all like an afterthought, like eh, I guess we could always just get this guy. Sure, why not.

.........awkward silence..............

Early Final Four Picks: Stanford, Gonzaga, Connecticut and Oklahoma State. Best teams I've seen play so far. Also, watch out for Air Force. If they get in, they are bound to upset a big dog. Air Force over Arizona? Sounds perfect, the Wildcats are a bit of a fraud. Speaking of frauds: Kentucky, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Louisville. Not sure yet about Miss St. I like Florida, but they just can't get it done. And Cincy hasnt gotten the help from White and Whaley that I expected. Im really surprised. If those guys played as good as their press clippings, Cincy would be dominating. St Joes is going no where, by the way. A big strong team (Mich St?) is going to beat them up in the tourney.

Note to some people who think they are dope basketball players: Being tall is not a skill. So many times I get a guy who is twice my size score on me, and they are like, yeah, what up. And Im like, dude, being bigger than someone is not a talent. I respect talent, not good genes.

The Yankees will not win the World Series. Write that down. Their pitching will break down, and just a bunch of bats wont get it done. Their defense is atrocious. I mean, terrible. Too many other good teams out there. Hell, Florida beat em last year, and Florida really wasnt very good. Really. The fluke of all flukes.
Top 5 Teams Going Into Spring Training:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Anaheim
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Philadelphia

Ok, fine, confession. I like karaoke. It's fun. It's always a great atmosphere, and everyone is having a good time, and if you find a place where you get to know people, you dont feel bad when you stink.

Everyone has a really lame song that they like, right? Lets be honest, it's like a skeleton in the closet. You know it's hella lame, and you wouldn't get caught dead singing it out loud in front of people, but you just like it. My skeleton is Heaven is a Place on Earth, by Belinda Carlisle. I realize that makes me extremely gay, so I'll just admit it now.

Speaking of gay, I heard that someone was interviewing those Queer Eye guys (the Fluke Five), and they were asked "What annoys you the most about straight men." Um, excuse me? Are you serious with that? Can you imagine, for one minute, what would happen if a reporter asked a straight guy what it is about gay men that annoys them? There would be anarchy! (it's out of my hands) Things like that bug the living hell out of me. Double standards are absurd, and the sooner we either give deferance to both sides of an issue, then stop being so touchy. I understand that it was a tongue in cheek question, but come on, man, double standard.

Do me a favor, everyone, stop telling me what is good for me. Seriously. Maybe it's good for you. So, tell me, hey I enjoy this, you might like it too. But don't tell me, oh, you gotta do this, or you gotta see this, its great for you. You dont know crap about me. I dont care if you know me like the back of your hand. Recommend, don't insist. Im sick of it.

And a shout out to my roommate. Dude, if you are going to do something, do it. If you are not going to do it, don't say you will. Don't you all hate it when someone says they will do something, and you know, you freaking KNOW by looking in their eyes that they have no intention of doing it? Man, don't freaking lie to me, because I'll be waiting for you, and when you don't show, you have just ruined my day. I'm at the point with my roommate where I don't ask, and he if says something, I don't believe it. Simple as that. That's a bad reputation to create.

I hate cats, plain and simple. Even if I wasn't allergic, they suck. And dogs are cool, but damn they are filthy. Just give me a freaking turtle or something. Thing stays in one freaking place.

Is it wrong if I don't like it when homeless people pan handles on the freeway entrances. You know, just standing right next to your car, makin you feel guilty while you wait for the light? Is that really the way to generate people's sympathy? I bet 4 out of 5 people are too angry with that guy for making them feel like crap. I know I feel that way. And the signs? Look, not to be a jerk, but you don't need the sign. I've been around the block, I understand that you need some help with money. I don't need your life story, Im sure it's a bad one. Not alot of people are gonna write a sign that says, "Had 10 mill, spent it on booze and hookers. Life dealt me a great hand, not sure how I got here." They all say the same thing, you know, tough break, veteran, whatever. I get the gig. Not alot of mortgage brokers are sitting unshaven on a freeway island. And finally, don't hold up a sign that says you are hungry, and then give me a dirty look when I bring you an extra cheeseburger from McDonald's. If you want cash, ask for cash. If you are really hungry, eat the damn cheeseburger. They are damn good!

Ever get a seat with the one in the middle open on the plane? Is this the most agonizing good fortune to ever happen? There is this moment, where
you are in total panic mode. People stop coming on the plane, and you
realize, you have an open middle seat, and the stewardess starts to close
everthing , and check everyone. You start to like, pretend to be
invisible, like, this seat isnt here, im not here, dont no one come near me!
You dont want to jinx it, so you start saying things like, eh, someone
will come. Ill never get it. Tough luck. Then, literalyl seconds
before you are about to take off, you set your magazine in the open seat,
and boom, some fat, disheveled traveler comes flying on board like he just got
choppered onto the runway, and he starts the frantic seat search, and you
are looking at the seats in front thinking, god, there has to be an open
seat up there, there has to be.....and then, he makes the stop, and you get
that eye contact, and you look up like a kid who stole a cookie and he
caught you....and those fateful words are spoken..."Can i get that seat?"
and every ounce of your body says "NO!" and then you say, sotto
voce......"Uh, yeah" and the guy either (a) stinks, (b) talks incessently
about his job as a claims broker in boise, or (c) sleeps on your shoulder.
I wonder: if you killed this person, would a jury convict?