I Dont Think So . . . . SUE!

I am so tired of hearing about the poor, tortured Red Sox fan. I hate them all. Literally. What is with the media and their fascination with clinging to one story and just riding it into the ground. So what, no World Series titles in 90 years. I really don't care. The thing is, how is the Red Sox fan more tortured than any other fan? What about the poor Clippers fan? What about Warrior fan? What about Arizona Cardinal fan and me, Minnesota Gopher fan? See, the argument is, "Oh, but we have gone the longest without a title!" Yeah, well, here's a news flash, Corky, you aren't 100 years old. You haven't been suffering since 1908. Meanwhile, every year is "the year" because the Sox always trot out a quality team. How about being a Warrior fan, and watching crap squad after crap squad claw and scrape their way to mediocrity. In my life time, the Warriors have had one, count it ONE, good team where we as fans could say, hey, we got a nice team. We lost in the second round. Even our good teams stink in comparison. And that was a great team. Meanwhile, the Sox lose on a home run in the 7th game of the ALCS and say its the curse. Um, where was the curse when Dave Henderson did that to Donnie Moore in 1986 to propel the Sox to the World Series? If this team was cursed, that sure as hell wouldn't have happened. And what about the Giants? No titles since arriving in San Francisco. Just in my lifetime, I have seen them lose because they had to throw a crap rookie in the final game of the season; Scott Spezio hits a three run jack in Game 6 of the WS; and now Cody Ransom can't grab a routine grounder. But there is no curse there, and do you know why? Because SF is on the WEST COAST! That's right, there is a bias, and Im tired of people ignoring it. I hate the east coast, I hate Boston, I hate New York....all because I am so freaking sick of hearing about it all. No body freaking cares about your pissant problems.
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Ok, I am totally ripping this off from a guy who ripped it off from George Carlin, but just some phrases that I think need to go:

That's as good as it gets/Best thing since sliced bread: So this is it, huh folks? Whatever it is I have just been told, that's the apex of life. I mean, unless you are drinking 100 year old scotch, next to Pamela Anderson, in a pool full of money, watching the super bowl ona movie screen in the backyard of your mansion....then no, scooter, it isnt the best it can get. Life sucks. Nothing is good. Deal.

Im not an expert: Thanks. No really, I thought that was a medical degree or law degree in your pocket, not a copy of Business Ethics by Dick Cheney. And its always the preceeding comment to some totally unsolicited opinion. You see, guy, if I really wanted a valuable opinion, I would ASK an expert. Since you aren't one, and I didnt ask, obviously I dont give a damn what you think.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. You just did.

Do you mind....: This one is just stupid. It's always some weenie, in their passive-aggressive monotone asking some smoker or something, "Would you mind putting that out?" The answer is YES, I would mind, thats why Im doing it in the first place.

You won't believe it: Try me, jackass. What am I, the most skeptical person on earth? Am I such a bastard that I never trust you on everything? And thanks for telling me my reaction before hand, in case I couldnt come up with one on my own.

You know what?: A personal favorite of mine. If I knew, then I how would I tell you, since I dont know what you are going to say!?!?! Just tell me the crappy factoid you have, Ken Jennings, and if I already knew it, I will let you know by beating you with mounted fish. If I didnt know, I will chastise you for introducing new, inane facts to me, and then I will beat you with a mounted fish.


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I like statistics for the most part, in sports. But is there anything more useless than career stats versus a certain team? In this era of free agency, its worthless to even comment on a guy's stats against a team from the previous season! I can understand baseball stats revealing a pitcher vs. batter matchup, but when you tell me that Barry Bonds is a career .350 hitter against the Padres, that has absolutely nothing to do with who he is facing now. Like he sees the uniform and changes? Oh, he doesnt hit well against Atlanta...he must be scared of the color blue. How idiotic is all of this? Its like Seinfeld says, there is so much player movement, we are just rooting for laundry at this point.

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Ok, Apprentice review. I will keep it brief. The chick from the guys' team was moved over to lead the womens' team. Oh man, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. What a domineering bitch. Ordering people around, telling them what to do? Its so ridiculous. I was a mediocre business student, and I probably slept through more management training and classes than I actually listened. Yet I know the first rule of management: earn respect, don't demand it. Well, this so-called "business woman" didnt know the most basic concept in leadership. God, this show just blows my mind. These total morons, with no idea how the business world works, yet they are supposedly all experts. My ass.

The task this week was to go to QVC, pick a product, price it, and sell it in 12 minutes. Highest sales wins. Well, the girls couldn't select any sharp objects to sell, because they would have been too busy sticking them in each others' backs. What a catty group of women. It's really sad, actually. Basically, they chose a cleaning product, over priced it, and sold 17 K worth.

The guys, look, I may sound biased, but they understand how business works. They get along, they listen to each other, and they argue when they want to get a point across, and defer to the person with the authority. Everyone gets along, and they keep winning. Problem! They chose a panini maker. Basically, a Foreman grill with a shiny silver finish used to make panini sandwiches. Price: 72 beans. Im sorry, but IM not spending 72 bucks to make a hot sandwich. Well, 250 Americans did, and the guys won by 10 bucks. They ended up winning a tennis lesson at Arthur Ashe stadium with John McEnroe and Anna Kournikova (who ended up coming off as a cool chick). The most classic tv moment came when our boy Raj (he of the bow ties) asked Anna out for coffee. Just classic. Eventually, she agreed to a bet, where he had to return one of five serves. He whiffed all 5, looking like a cross between a stork and Keith Richards after a weekend bender.....very little coordination. He ended up lapping the stadium in his underwear while everyone hit tennis balls at him. I am willing to say, it was the greatest moment in tv history, and I applaud it.

In the end, Pamela was a bitch, and got fired. That simple. Donald felt good about it. Carolyn felt good about it. George took a nap.

Some Random Thoughts, Oct 7....

New college picks are up. Take a peek....

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I thought Biff from Back to the Future selling memorabilia was funny, but now I see John Barnam, who played Spaulding Smails in Caddyshack, is a real estate agent in Boston. That may trump it.

"I want a condo, and some air conditioning, and a hamburger, and a pool......"

"You will get nothing and like it!"

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I just don't trust George Bush. The last person who listened to a bush was Moses, and the bush stranded him in the desert for 40 years with no idea what he was doing. So here we are, and we have been in the desert for only 4 years. This all sounds too familiar.....

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So I am drinking lemon lime gatorade out of a drink container that holds a liter. So, I make a new batch and put it in the work refridgerator. I wonder how many people think its a urine sample. And if they do, do they freak out when I drink some and put it back in half full?

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The Benefactor: Oh, so much has happened! I can honestly say that these are the most worthless people on earth. What a group of scrubs, with absolutely no redeeming characteristics. As of this posting, we are down to the final four (really five, which I will explain). I dont even know where to start. First, in episode two, they had to make teams, and then entertain Cuban for 3 hours. Well, two groups took him out to like arcades and stuff. Pretty standard, the billionaire doing the things he never has time to do. But wait a minute, he keeps talking about how busy he is. Busy doing what? He owns a basketball team and a house. What other deals is he still working on? He has A BILLION DOLLARS. He is done in the world of transactions as far as I am concerned. So the third group takes him to a children's hospital. Its all nice, but Cuban had been there. He proceeds to scold the group for not thinking that maybe he had been there, and that the goal of the task was to not waste his time. He essentially told them that the trip to see sick kids was nice, but sort of a waste of his time. Brutal, absolutely brutal. In the end, three people remained: The fat guy, the weird guy, and the bitch. All three were then subjected to a panel of children to determine who would get cut. The fat guy was a spazz, the bitch was fake, and the weird guy....was weird. Clssic moment, this guy, who looks like Paul Reubens and Balki from Perfect Strangers had a kid, is just a dumpy guy, with very little charisma. At one point, he flashes a tatoo of Yoda on his shoulder. What!?!? Then, he flashes another Star Wars tatoo on his other shoulder! This guy singlehandedly one the least likely and most likely bets at the same time. The least likely bet was that he would have a tatoo, but the most likely bet was that, once we knew he had a tatoo, it would be of Yoda. The greatest moment ever then occurred when the fat guy, after getting cut, began to sob uncontrollably, stating that he had met a lot of good friends who he wouldnt see again. Im sorry, it was day TWO! How many close friends did you meet in 48 hours, of which you were with only two people for half of that time? Just horrible. My wife is about to leave me, and I havent cried as much as this guy did over leaving a room ful of strangers. Just stunning. Next show,they all had to take 1000 dollars, and dazzle Cuban. Well, dont forget, our hero Dominic, the self proclaimed rock star. He managed to spend the entire grand on a guitar, play a crappy song with some alt-rock college band, then smash the thing. Um, ok. Meanwhile, the guy from San Diego set up a website called Be a Rockstar, which was horrendous. But it brought about the classic Dominic line: "I dont know what he is doing. Clearly, I am the rockstar in the house." It still brings me to tears just thinking about it. We eventually lost more people, and more people, as Cuban and his extra tight neck chain cut people at random. This past week, more hijinx. Two teams of three scoured the Dallas area for basketball players for a game of HORSE organized by Cuban. The rules: One guy, one gal, and one kid under 12. Both teams managed to put their teams together by (a) visiting the local rec center, (b) walking aimlessley around town, (c) recruiting a guy out of a FootLocker, and (d) inviting a person sight on scene over the phone. (who turned out to be a chick so old, when she walked on the court, she asked, "What, no peach baskets?") What a travesty. Not once did they visit SMU or even a JC. I am at a loss at this point. Eventually, the entire competition came down to the two kids and a three point shot. One kid missed, and the opposing team actually taunted the kid! It was the worst thing I have ever seen, and they are all going to hell. At one point, the female professional football player (and I want to see her W-2's by the way...pro means paid) exclaimed that she wanted to kick the ass of every other person on the other team ("And I can, too!") Had to be the first case of nationally televised roid rage by a woman. Well, now we are down to 4 miscreants after a number of people were cut, including Dominic. However, since Cuban has a man-crush on Dominic (it is so obvious) I am convinced that not only will Dominic not be cut, he will manage to win the whole thing, and blow most of his million dollars on booze and chicks. The rest Im sure he will waste.....

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Im stressed, and its time to go. Apprentice tonight. Dont miss it. Im out.