"Why does Andrew get to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up! It'll be anarchy! It's out of my hands....."

How many types of toothpaste do we need? There is a whole freakin aisle of toothpaste. And soap for that matter too. Why do we have so many different types? I mean honestly, how many different ways are there to clean? Clean is clean, right? This one has aloe, that one is the eye opener, this one has no dyes, this one floats......hey, which one cleans? Any of them? Just get the dirt off of me, huh? And what is the deal with washcloths? Are they necessary? I'd say 90% of us just use soap, right on us. What, someone else used it? So what. It's freaking soap. It is a self cleaning instrument.

Is there anything more stupid than red carpet shows? You've got Joan Rivers out there, with a mouth you could drive a HumVee through (last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it). She's out there, big no-talent that she is, with her less-talented off spring. Wait, absorb that for a minute - less talented than Joan Rivers. That's like being gayer than Richard Simmons. So these two, stand on the red carpet, interviewing stars about who sewed their clothes. What a bunch of useless crap. And we wonder why other countries hate us. Wouldn't it be nice to see one of the actors show up to one of these things just dressed raggedy as all hell. Oh, who are you wearing!!??!? Oh this old thing? Well, the shirt and pants are from Target. I stole the shoes off of a homeless person outside. And the jacket, well, it's special. Its for members only....Sometimes, I guess I just hate this world. Why are there people who care about this sort of thing? It fascinates me and repulses me at the same time.

For my money, there is nothing funnier than Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. I will not debate this. Ok, maybe Chappell's Show on Comedy Central. You know, most shows that are great, they still mix in a bad episode from time to time. Not Chappel's Show. Each episode is hilarious, and sometimes, better than the previous week. I dont know how one can maintain that level of quality, but the man is actually getting funnier. I mean, a skit about a white supremecist leader who is a blind black man that doesnt realize it? That is funny. I dont care what anyone says. I say, lighten up, that is damn funny.

Memo to so-called freestyle rappers: if you wrote it down earlier, it is NOT a freestyle. And you know who you are. I get tired of hearing a rapper say, oh, Im comin off the head, and then the whole rhyme is perfect rhyming, crazy words, just insanely good.....it's like, uh, what am I, an idiot? I know you wrote it, cause I heard you do the same "freestyle" on a different show! One of the purest forms of music, and people still can't get by without tryin to cheat....

Is it time for public executions? I keep hearing about these other countries where you jaywalk and they boil you in oil, or you bounce a check and they drop you off a cliff. It seems that in these countries, there is very little crime. How odd....Why arent we tougher on crime? Why are we scared to go into certain areas. There shouldnt be a situation where people have to avoid a street or neighborhood because they think they might take a beating. Let's keep the violence in the homes, where it belongs! So, we start ratcheting up the punishment, and fwwp!, people stop messin around. You telling me that if there was a statute that said if you kill someone, we beat you within an inch of your life with a sock full of nickels, then hang you from a flag pole from your genitals until you starve to death, that people wouldn't start second guessing it? Problem is, everyone thinks they can get away with stuff. Im rambling...

This crap about anti-semitism in the Passion of the Christ is such a load of crap. Look, it's historical, ok? Its based on a book written really long ago. So what, a couple of people decide to get offended (because they need attention, these imbicils) so what, we should re-write history? Oh, my feelings are hurt because this movie depicts in a bad light a group of people who shared my same unfounded religious belief 2000 years, and that depiction is based on, gasp!, historical documentation. Well, we can't have that can we? I say, let's re-write all of history, so that we can offend the least amount of people. Let's find small sects of people that, even if they get offended, they will be the minorty voice, and won't bother us. Lets see, killing Christ? Macedonians! Slavery? Fiji! And of course, the Holocaust...hmm, how about.......Lichtenstein! Yes, what are those pussies gonna do!

Movie Review: DAREDEVIL
Im really not gonna dwell on this one. Decent little comic book flick. Like all comic book flicks, tried to tell a story that took years to develop in ink in a matter of hours. Not too easy, I tell ya. Decent premise, acting better than I expected. (Affleck, you are still not good...but this is average...a real compliment). Jenn Garner is smoking hot. And Collin Farrel is excellent, I mean really good. Anyways, decent action, highly unbelievable, and imminently unforgettable. I watched it for free, and would have it no other way.

Speaking of movies, what is this hollywood fascination with making movies with couples? So, what, just because to people have sex, the studios need to crank out a movie with em? Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.....when does it end?

Is the Puff Diddy era over yet? I never got this guy. Let me see, he doesnt sample your song, he takes every single bit of it! Takes the whole song, doesnt touch it, then raps over it, or has someone else rap over it. That's it? There is a name for that, Mr. Diddy, it's called Karaoke. I mean, does this guy even have a job? I didnt know "wearing a suit" consituted a career.

When you go to the bar, there is a weird dynamic. In a group of chicks, the hot one is the leader, and everyone becomes imminently cuter because of her. That's why even the fat one gets talked to. But in a group of guys, the group is only as cool as the dorkiest guy in the group. There is no separating him. If your buddy shows up in cut off jeans and a tank top, well, I dont care if you are Travolta, you are in trouble. Cause you cant ditch the guy, he'll grab on to you like a lamprey, sucking the life out of you and the party. There is a different energy transference. Guys just have a higher standard to live up to, you know? it's like, you tell a girl you are an "associate" VP, and it's like, oh, couldnt be a full fledge VP, not good enough! Meanwhile, guys dont care. We're out there hitting on the chick workin the fry machine at Wendys. We just have a lower requirement.....are you hot? Good, then everything else is negligable.

Ok, was pricing transportation. I want to get to the Modesto area from San Diego. Cant fly, obviously. But to fly to San Jose or SF or Oaktown, I can get there for 39 each way if I book in advance. The train will cost me 90 beans. And to drive, well, its about 100 for gas (prices are steep!) But I dont get it....the bus is 110 bucks! How is that possible. I went looking at the bus as a last resort, but with the thinking that, eh, 40 bucks, tops. But 110? Someone has got to explain that to me. I've flown to CHICAGO for 150. There is something wrong there. And if you've been on a greyhound bus, you know it's not exactly the lap of luxury.

It's pouring rain here today, and I am going to bet its the lead story on the news here. Is this really news? Isnt the news for telling me about stuff that (a) is important or interesting, and (b) I don't know? Im not a shut in, I know its raining. I dont need 30 minutes of some guy in a rain coat by some leevee telling me that we just got 3 inches in the last 5 hours. Um, so? Its freaking rain. Rain! Its not hailing pot roasts. When lighting strikes and the dead walk the earth, then the weather guy can lead off the news. When there are 400 mph winds coming, or a tsunami.....then hey, weather all day every day. But I dont think wet pavement is reason enough to instigate Storm Watch 2004! And it's not just here. Everywhere, some piddly little weather event gets hours of coverage noone needs nor cares about. Hell, in Hawaii if they get a cloud they institute a climatic warning.....ladies and gentlemen, don't panic, but the city of Honolulu will be experiencing three...straight....days....of.........SHADE! Augh, I cant look....pooooor Hawaii!!!

Aaaaaaaand, Im spent....

"You either smoke......or you get smoked."
-Menace II Society

These people, who love their pets so much. Look, I had a dog, and I loved hanging out with my dog. He was loyal, and loved me back (at least it seems that way). Truth is, animals just get dependant on us. They equate us with shelter, and adoration and food. They see us, of course they are gonna get stoked. The thing is, some people go nuts over it. Bumper stickers, keychains, coffee mugs, web sites, all about "I love my dog!" or whatever. Look people, grab the A train to reality. Get a grip, and come hang out with the people who walk upright. I really think the behavior of some of these people borders on a sickness. Has society really rejected you that bad that you would rather spend your Friday nights watching One Day at a Time reruns with your collie? Perspective, people, that's the key.

It seems that the newest impotence drug is Cialis. The wise science types over at the company have made it a point to warn us potential users that "If an erection lasts more than 4 hours, consult a physician." Consult a physician? Consult every girl you know. Better yet, consult every person you know. If some of us guys went by that recommendation, we would have spent our entire college years in a waiting room reading 20 year old editions of Hi-lites.

There is no drama in the straight man's world.

Guess who's back, Nader's back. Back again. What the hell is this guy's point? What did he get, 3% in 2000? Since when is a consumer advocate presidential material? Maybe David Horowitz can be his running mate. I havent heard a single bit of scandal about this guy, so, basically, he is totally unqualified. Besides, he is running as an Independent after getting the Green Party endorsement in 2000. Come on man, things have got to be pretty bleak when you can't get the Green Party vote.

Boy, this gay marriage thing is getting pretty crazy in San Francisco, huh? I swear, I haven't seen this many gay couples in San Francisco since.......what time is it?

Man, anyone watch the finale for Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance? I was expecting real fireworks man. This chick's family hated the guy, really hated him. I think her brothers were close to just clocking the guy. Well, something happened on the way to the circus.....a really good show ended up on the air. I gotta admit, I got a little misty. When everything went down, the bottom line was that it was all about the love of a family. If that doesnt get to anyone, then you are either heartless, or, one of the Jacksons. All I can say is, excellent show, and check it out if they replay it (and they will, they're fox, and they are ratings whores)

I am looking at Tyra Banks promoting her new music CD. Let me say that again.....Tyra Banks' music CD. I'm gonna have to be totally honest.......I'm not very hopeful for this project. I know, I know, Im probably way off here. How can I possibly not support this endeavor? Prove me wrong, Tyra, prove me wrong! You go girl, straight to the......discount bin...at, um, Walgreens. Good luck with all that. I just get the feeling that she is gonna make RuPaul look like Madonna. But you go for it, a model, trying to sing, and act, and dance.....that is so original. Tyra, you are a real trend setter.

You know what would be really great? A show about real life. A sort of, "reality" show. You know, put some strangers in a house, and film it? I think it would really sell.....

By the way, why are we still calling this "reality" tv? There isnt a single real show out there. Let's review: strangers get left on their own in the wild; strangers live together in a house away from home; strangers get in an RV and drive cross country; and, strangers get together, jump off bridges and eat llama scrotems. Man, it's like, my whole life right there. Wouldnt a true reality show be like, well, boring? LIke real life? Hey, film me for 6 weeks. You can watch me lay in bed watching Comedy Central, sitting at work trying not to slip into a coma by drinking a 2 liter of Diet Coke, then me eating a can of soup. Oh yeah, fascinating stuff.

I see they are adding these breathalyzers to cars to make sure you dont drive drunk. Perhaps we can get these things added to fat chicks. Blow into it, and if you come up too drunk, walk away. And by the way, why do they say legally drunk. If it's legal....then what's the fukin problem!?!

I'm confused. There seems to be an extreme double standard in regards to minorities. It seems like all nationalities want to preach equality, and everybody wants an integrated society. However, it seems that people want to separate themselves when it is convenient for them. And its not just a color thing, or a race thing, or whatever. Even so-called white people will pull the same thing. One minute we are all cool, then its like, oh wait, you arent Italian, you dont get this. Why not? Hey, you arent Irish, you dont know about St Patrick's Day. What, I get drunk and puke? I need to be Irish to do that? Only Irish guys drink green beer? I understand the whole idea of Black History Month, but doesnt it seem to contradict itself? The idea is, the history of black people in America hasn't been taught properly in the schools, and I agree. But then you take a whole month and devote it to that, and make it a big deal. Why don't we just integrate the history into the books? Why dont we take time out each month to ensure that we learn about everyone? What about Asian Americans? What about Hispanics, famous Native Americans, innovative Hindus, influential fat people, stellar Red Heads.....where does it stop? Why does one group get more attention than others? I gotta be honest, I didnt know alot of black history growing up, but I took the time to learn. But why do we need a whole month so that we can learn that a black man performed the first heart transplant or all about George Washington Carver creating record needles out of peanuts. Is that really valuable information? It just seems that everybody's race or group or whatever has plenty of meaningless historical people that could be celebrated for innovative, yet insignificant achievements. Who invented the zipper? What about Velcro? TiVo? Scented candles? Odor Eaters? We could spend every minute of every day celebrating the minutiae, and if we don't watch out, that's exactly what is going to happen. At least I didnt get off on a rant there.

Wow. Watching Outside the Lines in regards to fans abusing their right to freedom of speech, and the dangers that are inherent to that freedom escalating to violence. Well, some guy, representing the Universities, said that you can't shut down speech even when violence is forseeable. As I shouted at the TV how wrong my man was, basketball analyst and attorney Len Elmore was right there with me. Chaplinsky! Chaplinsky! It's not everyday that your Constitutional Law class gets quote back to you on ESPN. Much love to Lennie. That was beautiful.

In honor of Mr. Elmore and his insight, I am starting a new segment on the blog: LEGAL LESSON OF THE DAY. Every time I blog, you people will get a little taste of what I learned that day, hopefully something that will have value in everyone's daily life. If you dont care, dont read. On to today's topic:

Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire (1942): Chaplinsky was on a street corner denouncing all religion as a "racket" and then called the cop who arrested him a "goddamn racketeer." The actions by Chaplinsky violated a state statute which disallowed anyone calling people offensive names in public. On the face, the statute seems to violate the First Amendment, but the Supreme Court found that free speech is not absolute in all circumstances. (can't we apply this to Ben Affleck? The guy has a freaking opinion about everything.) The famous quote from the court is that "It has been well observed that such utterances (lewd, obscene, profane, libelous, insulting/”fighting” words) are no essential part of an exposition of ideas, and are of such slight social value as a step to truth that any benefit that may be derived from them is clearly outweighed by the social interest in order and morality." This is where we get the idea of "fighting words", or those words that by their very utterance would inflict injury, or tend to incite an immediate breach of the peace. Note that the breach of the peace must be immediate (there can be no contemplation). The bottom line is that where the speech is considered "low value speech", it violates the First Amendment's principal basis, which is that freedom of speech is based on the need for people to exchange ideas in a free society.

Ok. Daredevil is on HBO, and Im gonna watch it cause I refuse to pay to see it. Oh, I see Colin Farrel made it into this film. Lucky him! I know he was lucky to get into those other 47 movies last year, so lucky he could also squeeze this one in too. Maybe it'll be his big break......review coming tomorrow.