"I'm your huckleberry"

Ever heard a fart in church? Me neither. Everywhere else, man, someone is bound to just, whoops! But never in church. I think it would be interesting to see. I think the whole place would break up laughing. It's always so serious in there. I can just imagine, "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be..." *PPPLLHLHLHLTT!* I'd be roarin'. Tell me you wouldn't!

The Apprentice. I hope all of you are watching this, like I said to! (all 2 of you) Last night's idiot was this chick Tami. Some stock broker from who knows where, this chick is just a moron. First, last week she asks George Steinbrenner what all the "bling" is on his hands. Um, his 6 World Series rings maybe? Bling? I thought this show was about serious business people. That annoys the hell out of me. Then last night, the groups had to talk to celebrities and ask them to commit to events that would be auctioned off for charity. Here she is, telling very busy people that her idea is for the celeb to "Fly off with the auction winner for a 4 day trip." Are you kidding me? I couldnt imagine what was next. "Um, how about you and 50 people fly to the moon, and you prepare an 11 course meal while giving everyone manicures. We'll just have to see if we can fit 50 people on the shuttle...." Jesus, come back to earth genius. I can't believe this chick is still vying for a 250,000 a year job running a Trump company. I almost applied for next season after that, and I couldn't run the copy machine, much less a company.

Want some honest to goodness entertainment? Tune in to this guy weekly. Some of the best writing ever. Just a guy really locked in to the stuff all of us 25-35's know about. Bill Simmons

I really feel uncomfortable when people talk to themselves right in front of you, kinda like they are talkin to you, and you feel like you need to respond, but you dont want to. Like, the person in the cube next to you just says, "Oh, I gotta see what Joe thinks about this.", out loud. And you almost say, "Oh yeah, Joe, check with him." You dont know what the hell they are talking about. Cant they think that to themselves? Are they validating the fact that they have decided to stand up and walk somewhere? Hey, dont need to sell me on it, go nuts! Walk wherever. I dont need an explanation.

Ok, there is a news story that Ken and Barbie are "breaking up." First, why does this qualify as a news story? Are we that desperate for news? Second, is this just the ultimate indication of our society as a whole? To the point that two dolls are breaking up, and the company feels the need to inform everyone? Christ people, dolls can't even maintain a relationship! Are things that bad? And the story mentions that they were never married. Ok, that's healthy for kids. A chick with unreachable measurements, dates a guy for 43 years, and owns an ungodly number of wedding dresses. How desperate is this broad? Get in line for the new doll from Mattel kids, Pablo the Puerto Rican pool boy. Sigh, another celebrity relationship that couldn't maintain.

Being sick is hella lame.

Forget highway patrol. What we need are idiot darts. Everyone gets a certain number of those darts that have the suction cups on em, and whenever some idiot on the road does something stupid, you fire a dart at their car. Cut me off? POP Driving 35 in the fast lane? POP On the cell phone while changing your kid and building a ship in a bottle while doing 80 through a school zone? POP POP POP Then, all the cops would need to do is pull over some car full of darts. What's the problem officer? Um, you got like 30 darts on your car. Im gonna have to cite you.

And hey, moron, if I cut you off, don't curse me out. I can see your lips moving, but dude, I cant hear you. And dont flip me off, cause then Ill cut you off for the next 10 miles, this time on purpose.

As for the finger, who came up with that? I mean, hey, hey! Look at this man, look at this finger. Yeah, Im showin it to you, this is my finger! Like, Im supposed to be offended? F me? Yeah, I assumed that, you dont need to show me a finger. You want to really offend someone, give em the toe. It takes alot of effort to do that. Take the shoe off, then the sock. Waving your foot out the window.. "Look at that buddy! Look at that toe!" You put that amount of work into it, and you mean it.

I think we give the short bus a bad rap. I mean, that bad boy came right to the door! The other bus, you had to walk to a spot, and wait. This short bus came to the door, honked the horn. It used to pick up a kid down the street from me, and while Im walking to school, he's goin from the breakfast table to the bus. That doesnt seem so bad.

And when did these kids become "special?" When we were growing up, people were just crazy. That was it. Crazy kids. We are all a little nutty, but these kids were just a little more hyper than the next. Now everyone needs a special name. Vertically challenged? What is that? What is the challenge, reaching the kitchen counter? Midgets. That's all. Big deal, its a bad word now? Overweight? Over who's weight? When you are 400 lbs, you are fat. Obese. You have gone past overweight. You are now over-overweight. All this talk about handicapped people being challenged. What is the challenge? We are all challenged. I gotta be honest, the people I meet with a handicap, they get along just fine. They adapt, like any human being would. You lose your right arm, you become left handed. Lose your hearing, you read lips. I find it amazing. I really do. There is just so much emphasis put on language, and everyone worries what we are saying to each other. You know, you spend all this time analyzing each word, and you miss what people are saying to you. Is it any wonder we can't communicate with each other anymore. Im not shocked at all. We are all speaking English, but no one is using the same definition for every word. We are all thinking it, Ill say: fuk political correctness!

How about this for an idea. If we are puttin all the crazy kids on a short yellow bus, let's put all the really bad kids, the bullies, on like, a big pink bus. Have the Queer Eye guys design it, all foo foo. Make these little bad asses ride to school in that thing. They'll think twice before takin someone's lunch money, if it means a ride on the pink bus, dont you think?

"It's 108 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
-Elwood Blues

It seems odd to me that just 50 years ago, this entire world was a different place. I look at TV, and the stuff you can see in commercials alone (nevermind the shows themselves) would make Heidi Fleiss blush. Just a few years ago, people were banning books like Catcher in the Rye just because it had some bad words. Meanwhile, it's one of the most important novels on youthful angst ever written. Some people are upset that the restrictions on decency have been loosened, but I say good. If it means that we also expose more people to more things of art and beauty, then that is a good thing. For every over the top expression (Janet?) there are a thousand books, paintings, songs that no one would ever know about if we didnt have a more open society. Like Homer Simpson says, "You don't like it? Move to Russia."

Racism. I havent taken the time to really talk about it, but Im feeling it a little today. May basic premise is that we as a society are doing DAMN good. Relatively speaking, white people are quickly becoming the minority. My understanding is that withing 25 years, 40% of the population will be hispanic. New-New Mexico, I suppose. Then again, with Bush's new immigration plan, we could hit that number by August. Anyways, the key issue is black/white relations. When you consider that white American oppression of black people lasted for almost 400 years. When you consider that slavery was abolished in 1862 with the Emancipation Proclamation. When you consider that the Civil Rights Act was passed in 1968. It really make me think that we have come a long way as a community. Yes, I know, there is still a great deal of prejudice and backward thinking. But most of it is the residue of a forgotten time. New generations are more and more at ease with each other, and every new generation carries less and less hate and prejudice with it. Jesse, and Louis, and the rest can complain till they are blue in the face, and I just won't hear it. To say that this is a racist society is ludacris. Look how far we have come in just 36 years. The growth of our country as a people has been exponential. I say kudos to America, let's keep progressing.

Read this book. It's great. You can probably even get it at the library. Dude is hilarious. It makes a great gift for dads, who can really relate to the guy.

Ok, I have GOT to talk about Tyson, even for a minute. Here is a man who has made well over 200 million dollars in his lifetime, now stating for the record that his total net worth is 174 K in property, 6 K in cash, and over a million dollars in debt!! What?!? I know, that seems amazing. But two numbers in his reported financials are the most mind boggling. First, that his total expenditures for December of 2003 were 85 dollars. 85 dollars?? My phone bill costs more than that. The assumption here is that Mike saved alot on groceries that month by eatin Lennox Lewis' children. And my favorite stat of ALL TIME, I kid you not: In November of 2003, Mike Tyson officially earned $5.63. Are you freaking kidding me? This guy's royalties from god knows how many licensed products have to equal more than that. What did he do to earn that? Mow someone's lawn? Wash cars door to door? Sell some old Earth Wind and Fire CDs to the local used dealer? Maybe he was working at Mickey D's, and got fired after only an hour of work. The theories (and jokes) are limitless.

Strip clubs can be cool, but in super small doses, and with the right attitude. There is always that one guy that you go with, and he's always thinkin the dancers are in love with him. They are like, "This dancer is really diggin me, she's really into me." It's like, are you crazy? "No, no, she keeps coming over, and dancin for me..." Dude, that's her job! These guys you must avoid like the plague. But they always end up at some bachelor party that you were invited to, but didnt organize, so you have no control over it. And it's always a family member of the bachelor, who had to be invited, or else Aunt Emma would be all upset because little Ricky got left out. And the guy ends up puking at the craps table and getting everyone kicked out of the Ghost Bar 5 minutes after we all threw in 20 beans to bribe the bouncer. He is also the guy who brings the camera. If there are any serial killers out there, stop picking on hookers. Start killing annoying people like this guy. Or the guy that says on a 120 degree day, "Hot enough for ya?" No, I like my blood to actually boil under my skin. And while you are at it, kill the parking attendant guy, who rolls around in a golf cart, giving people tickets for parking too close to a fire lane in front of a dirt lot. And anyone who puts one of those 'My child was a student of the month" bumper stickers on their car. Hopefully Ill have a kid one day, and my bumper sticker will say "My child doesnt need his parents to live vicariously through his minor scholastic achievements to validate his life"

The safety talk. I could go on for hours about the airline safety talk. But two things bother me the most. First, don't tell me how to put on my seat belt, and then how to take it off. Somehow, I solved that mind bender. Oh, release the buckle? See, I was attempting to just tear the fabric. At least preface the talk with, "Ok, we will now demonstrate how to work the seat belt for those people who are either brain dead, or who haven't been in a car since 1952." And my favorite, "In the unlikely case of a water landing, your seat coushin may be used as a floatation device." Ok, first, water landing? Crash, that's what it is, just say it. If we plunge into the Atlantic at 400 miles per hour. Ok, if we crash into the ocean, my seat coushin won't be a floatation device....it'll be a toilet, cause Im crappin my pants at that point! Second, it's veerrrrryyyy reassuring to know that I'll be staking my survival in a roaring ocean to 4 square feet of fabric, foam and beer farts. Next time, I'll take the train, thank you very little.