"Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?"
"I don't know......I don't have any."
"No children?"
"No elephant books."
-Fletch

Pound for pound, the funniest movie out there. I will NOT argue about this.

Ok, someone explain these Democratic candidates to me. Do any of these guys actually think they can win? They are going against G Dubya, and not one of them has a child's chance at church to win this thing. Seriously, this lineup that they are trotting out is the most inept group of men this side of Average Joe. These guys are like the Washington Generals of politics. Kerry, looks like a sea monkey with a wig. Dean is the emotional equivalent of Mr Toads Wild ride, bouncing off walls high some sort of amalgum of Sanka and bumper sticker glue. The rest, I couldnt recognize if they walked down the street naked with their hair on fair, their name spelled out in rhinestones across their forehead. Then I see this clown Gephard, crying after being eliminated. Dude, you lost on the first day! Did you really think you had a chance? This is like Coppin State having an emotional breakdown after losing by 50 to Duke in the Tournament. Seriously, I thought this guy dropped out of the race a month ago. This guy got as many votes as I did, and Im not even running.

Ok, why do we need to give a standing ovation to everything Bush says during the State of the Union address? "Terrorism is bad!" Standing O. "America is good!" Standing O. "Goony goo goo, flim flam flum!" Standing O. Politics has become such a joke, I am so cynical about the whole thing now. Seriously, the only good thing about having a President at all is the amount of material it provides comedians. Between Clinton and Dubya, comics are making a killing, because the material writes itself. Seriously, Monica Lewinsky pretty much paid for Jay Leno's house with her little stunt.

Forget the election. This is the Age of Reality. I say, take all of these candidates, including the incumbent, and we put em in a house, and vote em off one by one. Winner gets to be the most powerful person in the free world. Can't you imagine it already? Al Sharpton, the militant minority, constantly taking offense to everything his housemates say. John Kerry, the clean cut kid from a small town, who gets alcohol poisoning the first night, and passes out in the spa. Howard Dean, the wild kid, who everyone just starts to hate, cause he won't shut up, and he is always eating Al Sharpton's peanut butter! Gephard can stay, because we need the overemotional drama queen who bawls every time people start arguing in the house. And finally, G Dubya. The dumb guy. Heart of gold, but totally inept. Always says the wrong thing. Doesn't pull his weight around the house, always leaving his dishes in the sink. You can see him accidently walking in on Hilary Clinton in the shower. Im telling you, this is a freaking gold mine.

Speaking of reality shows, let me just say, I love the first few episodes of American Idol. The Germans have a word (my spelling will be wrong here), Schadenfreud, and it means to relish in the misfortune of others. That is what American Idol is to me. I watch these myopians, totally convinced that they will be superstars, making complete asses of themselves. Then, they get the truth, and they are shocked. Someone, please tell me, how do they get that far? They have been practicing the same song for months, asking opinions, Im sure. Someone usually goes with them, and supports them. But some are so bad, how could anyone support them. Im sorry, even if its your own kid, and you love them to death, if they stink....they stink! You would rather they embarass themselves? It just baffles me, utterly baffles me.

I don't mean to frighten anyone, but click on this link for some major news. And be sure to lock your doors tonight....


"Like Cypress Hill I'll make you insane/ I'll shoot you in the toe, make you jump like the House of Pain"

"I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes."
-Steven Wright

Ok, explain this to me. Green Day sounds like they are from England. But they are, in fact, from Berkeley, CA. Look, I'm not cartographer, but I'll play one on the the internet. Seems to me that Berkeley isn't exactly a suburb of Devonshire. How do three green haired spazzes suddenly turn into the cast of Monty Python just because you put a mic in front of their face, and an amp by their feet? Totally escapes me...

Not lying, before the playoffs, I picked Carolina v. New England. People might not think so, but this is going to be a great Super Bowl. Two very good defenses, ball control offenses, and teams that know how to win close games. I might be going out on a limb here, but I am predicting one of the greatest Super Bowl games of all time...no joke. So in other words, put all your money on a 9-3 final. Because, the lesson, as always.....Im an idiot.

I don't think I like Valentine's Day. Truth is, I dont like being told what to do, and that's basically what Valentine's Day does....it demands of us that we express love on that day. Um, wouldnt it be better if we all did that everyday? I would rather give gifts all year, and tell my wife I love her everyday, than feel bad because I didnt spen 60 beans on flowers then go out to dinner. I mean, we dont have enough to celebrate? How much money do we all spend just on holidays? If there were no such thing as holidays, I am guessing our economy would collapse like a house of cards. Our GNP would fall somewhere between Bolivia and Bill Gates' couch cushins. New Years, Valentines Day, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Anniversaries....it never freaking ends. Then, turn 25, and it's 5 weddings a year, house warmings, baby showers.....does anyone else realize that we are slaving away, 40 hours a week, just so we can afford gifts for each other? Perhaps we should all just call off the gift giving. Raise your hand if you have ever sacrificed a personal need (food, water, entertainment, whatever) so that you could afford a party/gift/wedding in your immediate future. I know I have.

What the hell happened to Alanis Morisette?

Man, between Pete Rose and Michael Jackson, I cant decide who is less believable. At least Pete has come clean, and admitted something we already knew. It's just that no one believes he is sorry about it. Meanwhile, Michael....please, please dont insult our intelligence. We aren't morons, we know what happened. We have always known. And what about these other people, the people who are supporting Mike? Those Mensa members who stand in front of the courthouse, preaching Mike's innocence. You gotta be deaf, dumb and blind to take that position. You know, these people are making themselves known, and they are even getting together in one place....isnt there some sort of mass sterilization that we can subject them to? These people should NOT be procreating....

I am the walrus.....coo coo, cachoo

Why ties? Who comes up with these things? It's just there, hanging. It doesnt serve any purpose other than to asphixiate me for 8 hours, which, between you me and the wall, I can freaking do without. I mean, why dont I start wearing a tux with a head band. Why do we need something just hanging from our neck? I'll be honest, it looks decent, but what is the point....

Ok, so it's winter, and of course, the freaking news channels think that "It's Cold Outside" is news. Since when is weather news? My boy in Chicago just reported that the newsman was eagerly covering the 8 degree weather this morning. Wow, what a shock! It's cold in Chicago in the winter! Is it me, or every year do we get to hear about a snowstorm in NY, a hurricane in the south, floods in California. Um, when do these things stop being news. Then in the summer, hey, guess what, triple digits in Phoenix! No way! I mean, it's just another sign of the dumbing down of America, isn't it? "Tomorrow's top story: Water is Wet, and how it affects you!" Thanks Brokaw for the newsflash....

How anyone can like Leno better than Letterman is beyond me. I am always a little skeptical of a comedian when I can say the punch line before he does! Jesus, dont be so predictable. Besides, is there a better game out there than "Will it Float?" I submit that there is not!

Is my math that bad? Do I look like a moron? Why is it that every donut lady wants to be your algebra teacher? They always feel the need to count down your total: Um, Ill have two devils food..."ok, you have 10 left".....oooooh! duuuuh, uh, if I get a chocolate bar, how many then? help me donut lady, 10 minus 1, where does that leave me?!?!?

Did you ever want to have sex with the first person you ever had sex with, just to show them how good you got?

"Assume the position/ stop look and listen/ I spit on your grave and I grab my Charles Dickens"